Thursday, December 25, 2008

Still not really feeling it...

The Holiday Cheer that is. Yes, I have had a wonderful Christmas celebrating with family that I do not get to see that often, but Im still pretty bummed. Last night and today were exceptionally hard. Last night at one family event we had 8 kids with the age ranges of 2 months to 11 years. Yes, 5 of those were my nieces and nephews, but still. Then today we had, oh my goodness, kids from the age of 4 months to 11. There were 11 kids on this side of the family in that range. A little overwhelming because most of them were under the age of 4! Talk about a heartbreaker...

Oh by the way...2 more pregnancy announcements on top of that. One due in June and the other due in July. Bummer.

**For a few people that read my blog and get a little confused, I have included a link on the sidebar that takes you to the abbreviations. Sorry bout that S!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Can you please tell me where I can find some Holiday Cheer?

Since everyone has been asking and I havent updated in a few days, my neice and I had a wonderful time on Friday!! We only had a couple episodes. One being that Blaze got a little too rough and decided to knock her down. He just doesnt quite understand that with little ones he has to be more careful. He will hopefully be able to learn one of these days. The other was, Aunt Meghann didnt have any fun bath toys for Emmy to play with. You would have thought it was the end of the world! (**Note to self-invest in bath toys for future!) Other than that we had a great time. It was short, but it was fun.


Emmy refused to go to sleep until Blaze decided to lay down with her. It was kind of funny. She wanted me to shut the door with him in the room so that they could go to sleep :) Pretty cute if you ask me. But then, she decided she didnt know how to go to sleep, so I told her that I bet she could figure it out if she just closed her eyes :) And guess what?? It worked! Hmm!


Saturday night we had Christmas with my Mom, Dad, my sister and her family, and my brother and his family. Hubby had to work though :( So here is a picture of my beautiful neices and nephews!! The redhead is the one that I watched on Friday night.

So, Im sure you can guess why I would be just a little depressed right now. My brother and sister have both completed their families and I have yet to have even one new addition. It makes me feel worthless, like I have nothing to contribute. So, of course I have been a little depressed for the past few days.

Last night, I think, was the worst. I called my mom and they were all having dinner at my g-ma's house. She told me I could come over, but it felt like she was only saying that because I had called. Which, really, that is the only reason. The phone would not have been picked up to invite me otherwise. So I refused and she said that she would see me tomorrow (today). Then she told me to find my "Holiday Cheer". I informed her that I didnt really have any holiday cheer for this year. I was told that I had to make myself find it. Gee, thanks for your support, mom.

Hanging up the phone, I realized that I am just a little bit more down in the dumps than I had thought. Fantastic. Im trying, I really am. I dont want to be depressed, but I definitely cant help it.

Friday, December 19, 2008

CD36??!!!!???!!!

I called the Dr's office today to inform them that I was starting CD36 today and I still have yet to feel any different. They had me go in and get some bloodwork done. The awesome thing, I was in and out within 10 min.

Well, just doing my bloodwork scared the shit out of AF because she is here. And dangit, she is being a pain already! So, of course my bloodwork showed that I was not pregnant and if I didnt start my period within the next few days, I was going to have to fill a prescription for Premarin (i think that's how you spell it). Well, none of that will be going on. AF has reered her ugly head.

Now I definitely know there is no mistake that I could be pregnant. Looks like I might be spending some personal time with the heating pad tonight.

I get to babysit my neice tonight also. This is my sister's daughter. She is adorable and I dont get to see them that often because they live in North Carolina. She has been here for a couple of weeks staying with my mom while my sister recovered from her partial hysterectomy. Not sure what we will do tonight, but we will find something!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

At the End of My Rope

CD35....still nothing. POAS yet again this morning and still a Big Fucking Negative. My body is playing tricks on me again. As I said before, I havent had this problem since before I had my surgery. So, yes, Im scared that my endo is definitely coming back. And yes, it obviously messes with my cycle since I had been regular since my surgery. I have had a little spotting today, so I know that it's coming, it's just a matter of when.

I dont know if I can keep doing this. It just feels like we arent ever going to get there. Emotionally, Im not sure if I can handle it anymore.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

New Decor

Just wanted everyone to know that I have decorated my blog for Christmas :) Whoo hoo! As you can see, I am a little bored at work right now. We are trying to decide what we would like for lunch today.

Spoke with the nurse at my Dr. office. Im supposed to wait a couple more days, and if AF has not shown, then I have to call back in and they will do some bloodwork and then see if they need to force my period to start. Not cool. So that's all I know for now, I still feel the same as I did earlier.

CD 33?!?!?

Yes, you read that correctly. I am currently on CD33. The b*tch AF has yet to show her ugly face. And no, Im not pregnant. I have taken two HPT. One on CD27 and the other on CD33 (oh wait, that was this morning), and both were BFN's. This scares me. Because I have a really bad feeling that it means that my endometriosis is back again with a vengeance. Im usually a 27/28 day cycler. Since I had my surgery back at the end of February, I have been regular. There were a couple months where I would go to day 29, but never longer. So, yes, Im terrified.

Im calling Dr. B today to let them know, but Im sure they will just say wait it out. Not really sure what to do from here. Im just waiting. I have yet to have any symptoms saying that AF is arriving. Of course, she usually launches a surprise attack anyway. I usually get some hints, but nothing this time. Rrrrrrrrrr!!!!! This is soooo frustrating!

On a another note, I am still not done with my Christmas shopping. I only have a few more people to get though. Two of them being gift cards. Hopefully I will be finishing that within the next couple of days. Mixed in with work, teaching colorguard, wrapping the other gifts I already have, etc. You know, that nice busy schedule.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

What Happens Next??

Hubby had his SA on Monday. We went back to the doctor today to review the results and talk a little more about what happens next. Hubby's results came back pretty much the same as they were for the last IUI cycle we did. Nothing has changed. DH spent 90 days alcohol free and nothing to really show for it. I guess at least we know that hasn't had any effect on him. Dr. B said it wouldnt be necessary for him to do another 90 days before our next cycle (whenever that may be) since there was not a change. The count is around 9 million I believe.

Lets answer the question of what happens next...Well, that's a good question because, you see, right now we are at a stand still. I am at the end of my cycle waiting for AF to come, but praying that she wont show her ugly face. There hasn't been any sign of her to this point. I usually have spotting a few days before she comes and I've had nothing. I guess we will see.

So back to the question...we wait for one. After we have waited and if AF does show up, which honestly Im not expecting anything different, then we will start saving our pennies. Yes, that's right, all of them. Now, the big question is do we do another IUI cycle and throw $3000 down the drain if it doesnt work or do we wait and keep saving up for a (at least) $13,000 IVF cycle? Hmmm.....pondering. Hubby doesnt think we should do another IUI. He is now being the pessimistic one (which doesnt help because that's my job!).

If this is another busted cycle, Im back on BCP's until we decide where we will go from here. I know how the IUI's work, so I got the information on IVF. I dont want to have to go there. Not only does our insurance not pay for any of it, we will also have to travel 3 hours away for the actual procedures (Indianapolis).

Today was the first time that I have apologized to my DH. I apologized for being broken. For not being able to give him what we want. He didnt say anything. Today was the first day in a couple months that I have cried over my IF. We might get through this...only time will tell.

Friday, December 5, 2008

So What Would You Like for Christmas??

You would think that as many times as I have been asked this recently, I would have come up with something better than.....Uhhhhh....ummmm...I don't know? But I honestly at this point in time do not have any "needs" or "wants". Well, I do have one thing that I want, but that really cant be given to me by my MIL or my Grandma very easily. Yep, hubby has to be the big player in that game :)

I almost feel like I have to explain myself for why I cant come up with something that I would like to have for Christmas this year. My MIL called today to ask about my hubby's wish list and then proceeds to say, "You really havent given me any ideas this year yet. Is there anything you would like to have?" My response....uhhhh....ummmm....I don't know. I mean, I dont really need anything and there isnt really anything material wise that I cant go without out. What I want for Christmas you cant really help out with. By the way, my MIL is the most understanding woman I have probably ever met in my life. I love her. She gets it. By the way....she had endometriosis also.

Im sure Im not the only one who has these same feelings. It's just going to be really hard if I have to spend the holidays knowing that we have had yet another unsuccessful cycle and Im back on the BCP's. The holiday season is all about being with family. Im ready to start our own family traditions. That really is what it's all about.

DH goes in on Monday for another SA. We both get to meet with Dr. B on Wednesday. We will review the analysis and hopefully our results will be much better. DH's 90 days are up on Monday. Im sure he will be cracking open a few as soon as he can. He has done really, really well!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Weekend in Chicago!

It's been a week since I have posted anything! It's been pretty busy in my neck of the woods for the past several days. We had a full day with family on Thanksgiving and it was pretty good. I managed to hold it together with the babies. No rushing out of the room. There was one point at the first family get together where I had to fight the tears back, but we werent really there long, so I was able to hold it together. I was fine with the other baby. No tears! Hubby even made a comment on the way home that I held it together well.

Then on Friday it was off to see my friend J, who lives about an hour from Chicago. We had a busy weekend! However, it was wonderful! Im so glad we were able to take the weekend to go visit. I hadnt seen my friend in almost a year!! Way too long for both of us! We vowed to make sure that it wasnt that long for the next visit. Our schedules have just conflicted way too much for the past year, we couldnt ever find a time that would work for both of us. Craziness I swear!

Well, we spent all day Saturday in Chicago, which was wonderful! I hadnt really had an opportunity to see the city before, so it was nice to enjoy the day. I have included some pictures for your viewing pleasure!
This is hubby and I taking our first train ride into Chicago. We were kind of excited...it was new! :) And DH now has a cold because he thought he was being all macho not having to bundle up with gloves or a hat while we were in the windy city. It was cold! Not cold enough that we were miserable, but it was cold. I have no sympathy for him! :)
Oh yes...he is getting really excited because he has less than a week left for his 90 days. However, what he doesnt know is that he will be getting another SA soon, which means it will probably be more than the 90 days of no alcohol. Haha...Im evil I know! I just want to see if not drinking for the 90 days really made a difference or not. We wont know for a couple more days after that if we have any great Christmas news or not.
Sorry, this post is a little jumpy...so on with the pictures! We made a stop at Millennium Park while in the windy city. It was really cool. While in the area, we took pictures with the Bean (a really cool artistic thing that really looks like a giant bean for those who have not seen it-See pictures).
We also made a trip to a place called Oven Grinders. It was FABULOUS!! The food was awesome. It of course, was a pizza place. But their pizzas were in the form of pot pies. They also had a really good Mediterranean bread. Mmmmm!! Mouth wateringly good!
The skating rink right by Millenium Park which has the logo for Chicago being a candidate for the 2016 Olympics. It was packed! Way too many people to even try to ice skate if you wanted to. I would have been super-claustrophobic...and I dont get that way easily!
We then headed to Navy Pier. Which by the way, was really pretty because they had it all decorated for Christmas. Well, the whole entire city was decorated for it and it was beautiful!! They had pretty much every tree decorated with white lights and also holly and other wintery plants all in the bushes around the city. It really was an awesome day all around! We had a blast! It was nice to get away for a weekend and just enjoy being us.
This was really long, but I havent posted for way too long (a week!), so it's alright. Hope you enjoyed the pictures. I have lots more, but that would have been craziness!
By the way, I failed miserably with ICLW this month. I am so incredibly sorry for that. I wanted to tell everyone who commented on my blog thank you so much! I WILL do better for December! I promise :)

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Im Thankful For...

With Thanksgiving fastly approaching here in a few days, I think that it's important that I take a look around and make a list of all the things that I am truly thankful for. Everything in my life has been filled with negativity since we discovered our Infertility. I have such negative feelings every month because of so many unsuccessful cycles that I need to come out of my slump if only for a moment.

So, without further ado here are a few things that I am thankful for in my life...

1. My husband. He is my best friend and of course, my soul mate. Im not really sure what I would do without him. I say this a lot, but I really would be lost without him around. He has been the rock that keeps me going. He is usually the one that stays strong when we have had another failed cycle. He is there to comfort me and give me my space. He may not always have the answers, but he tries and he tries harder than anyone I know. I love him so much.

2. My Family. This includes my mom, dad, MIL, FIL, sister, brother, SIL's, BIL's. They have been wonderful. They may not always understand what I am going through, but most of the time they do what they can. I know that I can always count on them to be there when I am having a hard time. Without them in my life, I would not be the person who I am today.

3. My Friends. The first one, I have known since my freshman year of high school. Through the years, we have grown closer and closer and I consider her to be my best friend. We have been through a lot together, both good times and bad. We have kept each other company when times have been rough. I wish we could be closer (distance wise). I love you, L.
I met my other best friend my freshman year of college. I dont think either one of us were sure we would get along because we were so different at first glance, but everything worked out wonderfully. I really wish we could see each other more (hopefully I will be up there this weekend!!). No matter how long we go without talking, we can always pick back up where we left off. I am truly grateful for her friendship!

4. My Job. Without my employment, we would not be able to survive! A social worker's salary is definitely nothing to brag about, but it helps pay the bills. And man, do we have some bills now! Im glad that I can say that I have a job where I can truly help those who need it. It's very rewarding and humbling.

5. My Health. Ive hit a couple bumps these past couple of weeks, but they are minor things. All in all, Im pretty healthy (not counting my infertility). My hubby is also very healthy. We really only have our seasonal colds to not look forward to, so that I am thankful for!

6. I have a roof over my head. There are definitely people out there who do not. I work with them every day. Now is the time of year where it's crucial we identify those individuals and make sure they can survive the winter. DH and I are not in jeopardy of losing our wonderful home which is a blessing. We are able to maintain.

7. My life in general. Excluding the infertility piece, I feel blessed to have been through all the good and the bad that have made me what I am today. Without my parents, I wouldnt be here today. Without my husband, life would be incomplete.

That was an odd number, but those are the things that stick out right now. There are so many other things that could be added to this post, but I dont want to ramble :) I will leave it at that for now. And...welcome all ICLW's!!!

Friday, November 21, 2008

Yay....Tagged!!

I cant link to the person who tagged me for this, but lets just say that I am glad she is in my life. She is the one that got me started blogging and it's been such a wonderful emotional outlet for me!! So thank you B :)

Answer the following questions with single word responses. Then pass on the award to 7 other bloggers:

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2. Where is your significant other? Work
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Home
5. Your father? Home
6. Your favorite thing? Chocolate
7. Your dream last night? Breathing
8. Your dream/goal? Mother
9. The room you’re in? Office
10. Your hobby? Guard
11. Your fear? Barren
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Mother
13. Where were you last night? Instructing
14. What you’re not? Well
15. One of your wish list items? Peaceofmind
16. Where you grew up? Cornfields :)
17. The last thing you did? Ate
18. What are you wearing? Clothes
19. Your T.V.? On
20. Your pet? Rotten
21. Your computer? Decent
22. Your mood? Okay
23. Missing someone? Always
24. Your car? SUV
25. Something you’re not wearing? Shoes
26. Favorite store? Target
27. Your Summer? Emotional
28. Love someone? Definitely
29. Your favorite color? Red
30. When is the last time you laughed? Yesterday
31. Last time you cried? Tonight

The People I Tag:
2. Mel
4. Zoe
Enjoy!!

On the Up!!

Im finally beginning to feel better. Yesterday was an upswing and today was even better. Which is a great thing, because we begin our official rehearsals for winterguard tomorrow. Yay! :)

Things have been waaay too quiet around here without me having to do something at least every other night for the past two weeks. Go figure! Especially since hubby is on 2nds. Which, by the way, I do not enjoy at all.

So I am on CD8 today. I know, I started keeping track this cycle. It's our last chance. Yes, our last chance for us to succeed. I really wish that I could refuse to go back on BCP. However, it's inevitable unless I want my endo to come back quicker. Which I have reached my "limit" of time per my doctor for me to be off BCP and not be pregnant to keep it from coming back. We definitely cant afford to to do another IUI right now. It really sucks. I know I have said this several times before.

Im scared. Ive also said this before too. Im scared that we arent ever going to be able to have children of our own. Everyone throws the option of adoption out there like it's so easy (mainly family and friends who dont know any better). Well, if you dont have the money to do it, then no, it's not that easy. Plus, hubby really wont even discuss that option at this point.

So, we wait. Until then, I have to get through the holidays with a couple of babies being ooh'd and aah'd over. I might have to excuse myself at those families for a few minutes. Especially if we do not have any good news of our own to share. Well, actually, if we have good news, we wont be sharing it that soon. But it definitely would make things a whole heck of a lot easier.

Okay, Im rambling. And it's been a really boring post. Really sorry for all you ICLW readers! I promise to post some good stuff in the next few days. Oh...and I need to do a couple of tags! Whoo hoo!!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Really...Really...Sick

This cold is not going away. It's only been a couple days, but it made me miss another day and a half of work. I hate being sick! I feel so worthless. I have been doped up on Nyquil since last night and feel like a walking zombie. It does help me sleep though, so that's a plus. I just really hope that I dont get my hubby sick. He, unlike me, does not get sick days at work. I can get up to 24 a year though, which is really, really nice. Before last week I think I had about 15 accumulated.

Im slowly starting to feel better. I really hope that I can go back to work tomorrow. This has definitely put a nice little damper on the sex life. :) Kidney infection last week, AF came to town on Friday, and now this nasty cold. Hoping I get better soon so we can get down to business for this cycle!

This is our last chance by the way. Before I have to go back on BCP. It would be really nice if I didnt have to do that. Well, time to go take some more meds and go back to bed. Hopefully nice and refreshed for tomorrow. That would be great!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Recooperated...And Now

I. Have. A. Flipping. Cold!!!! WTF!! I dont think I will ever win, at anything. Im not even done taking my antibiotics from my lovely kidney infection and I develop a damn cold. So I had to call my Aunt, the Pharmacist to make sure it was okay for me to take cold medicine with my antibiotic. And of course, it's alright, but I just wanted to make sure for my own sanity.

So, does anyone care for an update on my weekend? Of course you do! My niece and nephew were wonderful. My nephew (1 1/2) was extremely clingy, and I l-o-v-e-d it! Haha, it's amazing really. How I long for those moments when you have a little one following you around the house wherever you go always wanting to be by your side. Never letting you out of his sight. It was fabulous. (H, Im sure you are reading this, so thank you for letting me babysit this weekend. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with them) However, they only stayed for one night. I was not up to 100% yet, and my niece wanted to stay with Nana and Papa (my Mom and Dad) for a night, so they went over there on Saturday. Which also brightened up my parents weekend :)

We then had company on Sunday. Hubby's cousin and his wife were in town with the new baby. He is just about a month old. Hubby is a natural by the way as evidenced in the picture below. I could almost see the longing in his eyes when he held baby E and it broke my heart. Knowing that for whatever reason, I cant give him what we both want and long for.
We were very curious to see how Blaze would respond to a baby in the house. He was wonderful!! He was as gentle as could be :) When they first arrived, he just had to sniff to figure out just what was being brought into his house. He only licked him once, and that was on the back of the head. Every other time he would just place his nose right next to his cheek and then go about his business. It just proves that he will be wonderful with a baby in the house! Im sure he will be very protective when the time comes.

That's all for now. I have a tag that I need to do, but it is waaaaaaay past my bedtime. I will never want to get up in the morning! Goodnight! :)

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Feeling Better

So Im feeling better today. I stayed home from work again because my back is still hurting pretty badly. I figured if I was still needing my pain pills, I probably should not be going to work. But everything else is looking up. My pee is nice and orange from one of my antibiotics. It's kind of creepy. :)

Im still babysitting this weekend. I should be much better tomorrow. I really cant wait.

Im not sure what is going on with my cycle now. I had not even a half day of bleeding and havent bled since. Im thinking this infection is going to mess my system up nice and good. So I can probably kiss this cycle goodbye and just resign myself to the fact that I will be going back on BCP. Which is just wonderful. By the way...holidays are going to be just wonderful this year. Babies everywhere I turn around.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

It's Official...One Lovely Kidney Infection For Me

My predictions were correct. At about 3 this morning I woke up with a pretty severe pain in the middle of my back on my left side. I could not go back to sleep because I couldnt get comfortable with the pain. I went into the living room with my heating pad hoping that would help, but it didnt, at all.

Hubby and I went into the urgent care first thing (about 8) and the pain was steadily increasing. They did a pee test and ruled out a bladder infection. The doctor did some pushing and thumping on my bladder and back (right where it was hurting, ouch). Oh yeah, they also did a pregnancy test just in case...BFN. Big shocker there. Next came a little blood drawing from the finger. My white blood cells were above what they should be and a couple other things were elevated, so the doctor said he was going to give me a shot. Right in the bum.

While waiting for the nurse to come back in for the shot, my pain was steadily getting worse. While of course, I was fighting the urge to pee. By the time she came back in, I was in tears. She tried to tell me the shot wouldnt be bad. It was definitely not the shot I was worried about. Im a pro at those! The crappy thing was I had to wait for 20 minutes before I could leave the doctor after my shot. They had to monitor me to make sure I didnt have a bad reaction.

We then drove our way to the T.arg.et pharmacy. By the time we got there, I couldnt hardly stand up. Sitting down wasnt working for me either. 15 minutes later we are heading out the door to come back home with me almost bawling because I was in so much pain.

Tried to fix something to eat when I got home so I didnt take all my medicine on an empty stomach. 10 minutes later the pain literally made me sick to my stomach. Finally, my medicine started kicking in, probably along with the shot. I was able to get some rest most of today. My back had stopped hurting, but started again around 5 or so. Im ready to be able to take more medicine. I took a pain pill (doctor said it was okay and advised that I take them), so Im feeling okay right now. Im a little nauseous at the present. And my bum hurts :( Other than that, Im alright. Not sure about work tomorrow. Im gonna have to play it by ear. I just cant believe it hit me so fast.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Just Another Cycle to Add to the List

Well...I only made it to Day 26 this cycle. Which is kind of odd...Im normally a 28-30 day cycler. I dont have my normal pain in the butt cramps, but for the past week I have been peeing like freaking crazy!!! Tonight, I am about to go nuts it's so bad. I seriously think it's time to go to the Doctor for a little UTI/Bladder Infection test. The only problem...I dont really have a family doctor. I know, that's probably bad. I have just never bothered to get one. I might have to drive my happy butt to the Mec. Because whatever is wrong with me...has got to be fixed asap!

I would have POAS, but every time I potty, there isnt enough that comes out to even get a good read. Okay, maybe I should test in the morning just for the fun of it? Yeah, can you see how pessimistic I am? It's pretty bad, but I think I have resigned myself to the fact that it isnt going to happen without medical intervention. Oh wait, it hasnt even happened with that!

Hubby and I have one more cycle for me to get pregnant. That is, before I am forced to go back on BCP. I dont want to. Please dont make me have to go back on BCP!! I am begging! Everyone keeps saying it only takes one. Well, I wish that one little guy would find his way to my nice little egg, bust through, and settle in for the long haul!

I have a headache. Im going to bed. Hopefully I can refrain from peeing enough to get some sleep.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Rest, Relaxation, and.....Politics, yuck!!! (This is not normal for me, you must read on!)

Wanted to let everyone know that hubby has made it past the 60 day mark!! Whoo hoo!! Let's all rejoice in unison!! Go hubby go!! :) I know, Im cheesy at times.

It was a good weekend. I did a whole lot of nothin! And enjoyed every single flipping minute of it! Should I have done housework? Oh yes I should have, but I did not! It was my first weekend where I did not have to get up at the ass crack of dawn on a Saturday only to return home close to midnight. It was fabulous! So, I guess you could say that I was lazy, lazy, lazy! Oh well! I will definitely make up for it within the next couple of days. I am trying to get winterguard stuff going and I get to clean the house all this week. In preparation for.....drum roll please....



Wait for it.....



Wait for it.....



(Kind of sounds like Im talking to Blaze holding a piece of food) ....



And......



My neice and nephew are spending the ENTIRE weekend with me! Im so excited!!! I even get to pick them up from their babysitter. This is the first time that they will have spent an entire weekend with Aunt Meghann. I cant wait! I will take lots of pictures too by the way :) I want everyone to know this is a huge step for my brother. He was really reluctant about me babysitting (I think I mentioned this before) because of Blaze. He thought that he was way too big to be around his kids. He just gets a little excited sometimes, but will eventually wind down and be okay. I think my nephew was only knocked down a couple times the last time I babysat. Poor Blaze got the most...he was whacked upside the head with a truck a couple of times. I promise he's okay!

On another note, this is not something I usually discuss, but feel it necessary to vent and possibly get some feedback...My parents and I got into a huge argument on Saturday, right in the middle of the restaurant, about Politics. Politics!! Yeah, it's done, it's over, but they are bitter. Not my problem. I tried to drop the subject because I had been trying to avoid it since the election and had done well thus far. Not really sure how we got on the subject, but we did. Well, I do, but I wont go into that. It was kind of stupid. By the way, my parents reached an incredibly new low on Saturday. I never thought I would hear the words come out of their mouths. Okay, let me rephrase this. I never thought I would hear the words come out of my dad's mouth. But wait, I apparantly have forgotten the town/county that I grew up in! I really hope no one takes this personally, because these are NOT my beliefs. The words flowed so easily right there, in the middle of the restaurant. My dad says, "Do you really want a Black running the White House and our Country?". I immediately was on the defensive. I told my dad he was racist and that I was not going to sit and listen to him talk like that. So he then says, "You really dont want a President who associates with terrorists, do you?" Really, dad, did you even try to do any research?? Because apparantly not. I really could feel my blood boiling!

So I give my two cents about their candidates. Since, of course we were going to play that game. All I said was that I didnt trust Palin and her ideals. So my mother jumps down my throat. I try to drop the subject, but she insists. So, I tell her that I do not feel like a Government should have the right to control what a woman does with her body. I truly believe that a woman has the right to choose. So what does she throw in my face?? "I cant believe that you have been trying so hard to have a baby, but you feel like other women can just kill theirs because they want too. There are other options!" Whoa....so you mean to tell me that if a woman is raped, she should not be able to have the decision to abort the baby? My mother says no, she shouldnt.

Im a strong supporter of Pro-Choice. Obviously the parents are not. Im a strong supporter of Gay/Lesbian rights. Who am I to decide what love is? My parents are not. There are so many other things that we disagree on, it's crazy. It never should have progressed to what it did, but they took it to a whole other level. I really thought that my mother was going to be in tears because her baby girl has different views than she does. I think she almost was. I even got the lecture of "You were not brought up this way. You were raised in a strong Christian church. You should not be supporting these things." Well, newsflash, people grow up and actually experience different worlds. I just could not believe the conversation.

I know there are other people out there who are conservative and I have no problem with that. I do not usually discuss politics at all with people. I just dont like to. Who really does? I was just really mad and felt like I was being attacked. Obviously that was not the whole conversation, but just a small piece. Wish I could have had a recorder on hand!

If you stuck with all of that, bravo! And thank you for listening/reading my vent! If you have any insight/comment please feel free to let me know. I will try to not take offense so long as they are not personal attacks on my beliefs :) Im pretty open minded, I promise. I will definitely take the time to hear anyone out for whatever reason. So I have went on long enough...

Friday, November 7, 2008

TGIF

Well...sort of :) The one thing I hate about Fridays is that my hubby doesnt get to spend them with me anymore. Since he started 2nd shift, he works every Friday. When he was on 3rd shift, his week started Sunday night and ended Friday morning, unless he was working the weekend. That part was really nice.

So...tonight has been pretty boring. This week has been a "not really sure what to do with myself" week. I dont have marching band ruling my life any more and winterguard doesnt start until the week of the 17th. Im grasping for things to do. I do not like idle time. I get bored way too easily! Then, when I get bored, I tend to spend money on things I dont really need, which is killing me right now because we are a little strapped this month so no extra spending! :) Im hanging in there though.

I just wanted to inform everyone that the couple (hubby's cousin and gf) that I said was pregnant a few posts ago, had a miscarriage. She was about 3 months along, but the baby was only measuring about 6 weeks. This is her second miscarriage within about 9 months. It might not be a good sign for the future.

Can I just say Im dreading Christmas? We are broke. Well, not totally broke, we can pay our bills and have some extra money, but it's gonna be hard to do much extra for Christmas this year. You know, considering Insurance doesnt cover jack on my treatments. So we have dug ourselves a nice little cozy hole where we will be paying anything extra we have for the next at least 6 months. And we have nothing to show for it.

Im still doing really well with the baby situation. Can I just live vicariously through my clients who have babies? Just not living in a shelter and receiving Food Stamps/TANF part :) Im kidding. But I did get to see the beautiful baby again today. The mother is really very sweet and truly wants to be the best mother she can. She is willing to do whatever she can to provide for herself and her baby. Those are the clients that I love to work with...and tend to favor a little bit. Shhh dont tell!! :) Until next time!!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Babies, Babies, and More Babies!!!

I survived the WIC office!!! It was actually yesterday (Wednesday) that it happened. I am pretty proud of myself at the moment too :) because when I walked in with my client, there were 3, yes I repeat 3 other newborn babies in the waiting room. No tears...I just smiled at all of them.

I think this is a huge step for me. I have been so angry and bitter for the past year (almost) and I think I am finally getting to a better place. Of course a year ago this time we didnt have any idea what was wrong with me. It really seems like it's been longer than that. Because this time last year I was getting ready to make an appointment with my RE to get everything started. Wow...now look where we are. Still waiting...

So, I have a new client. She is a brand new mother. Her baby is literally only 6 days old (born on Halloween). She is the one that I took to the WIC office yesterday. She is ADORABLE. Full head of curly black hair. The mother is so sweet and genuine. I really am going to enjoy working with her. She told me her fears of being a new mother and I tried to reassure her that a lot of new mothers probably have the same fears as she. She seemed to calm down after that. :) I found myself just being so envious of what she now has. I dont know any other way to explain it.

Hubby will have completed 60 days come this Saturday. Whoo hoo!! Im sooo proud of him. I will be completing this cycle within the next week also. Please keep your fingers crossed for us!! Im really hoping something happens soon. I do not want to go back on BCP!

By the way...just wanted to add that I am so proud of America. I really feel like we have made an excellent decision this election with Obama. I know things are going to be tough in the beginning, but I have a lot of faith that he will carry us through. Im so excited to start 2009!! :)

Monday, November 3, 2008

State Finals!! And updates :)

One more marching season is done. We finished in 6th place at State Finals on Saturday. Not really what we were hoping for (we were hoping at least top 5), but you cant change the judges opinions :) We had a wonderful season! I am so very proud of my girls and all the kids in the band. Im looking forward to a wonderful winterguard season. Oh yes, it starts again, but with just the guard this time....here in a couple weeks. :) Here are some pics from Saturday for your viewing pleasure! Before heading to warmup...we were waiting here for waaay too long. (N, I hope you dont mind I put this pic up, let me know if it's not okay) These are my two techs (that's me in the middle) all decked out in our snazzy suits! Our entire staff had on suits for this past Saturday. We were all pretty spiffy ;) My four upper classmen, who sometimes drive me nuts....but I dont know what I would do without them.

All six of my girls at their final physical warmup of the season. Like I said, it was a great season! We had a blast (most of the time), but now it's on to Winterguard :)

Not feeling the greatest right now. Ive been going to the bathroom like crazy today...and I think I have finally hit a lull in that situation. Other than that, Im feeling a little achy and blah. Hoping it goes away asap. I dont like being sick. Especially since I dont want to take anything to help get me better...just in case.

Im on CD 18 today and hubby is on day 55 of no alcohol. Im so proud of him! Im telling you every time I say that, it makes him sound like an alcoholic, but for those of you who missed my previous post, at my last Dr. visit, I was told to make him do 90 days of no alcohol to see if that helped our situation. If Im not pregnant within that amount of time, I will have to go back on BCP and he will do another SA to see if it helped his morphology or not. Well, BCP until we decide to go through with another IUI. Hubby will then have to do another 90 days of no alcohol if that happens. Lets pray that we have good news by Christmas!! That would be awesome. We shall see.

I just wanted to apologize. I again, was not very good with the ICLW. Marching season is probably not the best time to do that. I will remember that for future reference! I will definitely do better this month. I should have lots more time to post and comment!

This is a really long post...but one last thing. The family I talked about in my last post had started to make a soft spot with me. Well, the end of last week, they were kicked out of the shelter they were staying in because the kids were too out of control and she apparantly was not doing much to try to control them. Also, one of the kids put a book in the microwave, started it, and it caught on fire. They dont know which one it was. It makes me sad more than anything to know that there are so many services that she needed to be hooked up with, but I didnt get the chance to help her with them because she was booted from shelter. All it's going to take is the right person to witness her and the kids interaction and they will probably be taken from her. Which again, makes me sad. She just needed some guidance along with some positive reinforcement for the kids. Im really struggling with the fact that we couldnt get her the services she needed before she was told to leave. The mentality at the shelter is....she's gone, we are happy, it's no longer our problem, but someone else's. Which tears my heart in two.

Monday, October 27, 2008

The Day From Hell

Oh yes, that's right, it was THE day from Hell. I kid not. My morning went pretty well, but then it all went downhill after lunch. You know how I said that I would comment when I could throughout the day?? Yeah, there was no time! At all!! Let me fill you in...
I had an appointment set with a family from one of the shelters. This is a single mother with 4 children under the age of 5 (with a set of twins...the oldest two are a boy and girl). She is exactly one year younger than I (yes...to the day...how ironic). Well...I had been kind of dreading this appointment because we were going to have all 4 kids with us (I love working with families mind you...so please keep that in mind as you read). And oh the horror stories of these kids and their mother. Well, it doesnt help that her form of punishment is to scream and cuss at them at the top of her lungs. Uh huh, thats right.
Well....Mother went in to an agency and should have been right back. 20 minutes later...still no mom. Kids were getting restless in the car and wanted out of seats (understandable). This is when I started getting called a bitch, dick, and booby by the 3 year old. Let me repeat that, a 3 year old. Hmm....wonder where he heard that?? The next thing I know, the 4 year old is jumping out of the car and running into the parking lot. And I chase, with the other 3 in the car. I literally had to call one of my coworkers to come for reinforcement!! I could not handle the wild children by myself!!!

This is really sad. And it makes me very sad that these kids have not been taught any differently. As for the name calling...they heard it from their "father" who called their mother that. I know you cant fault the kids...but I had a massive headache when the afternoon was over. The simple fact that they do not listen to anything, even with bribes, is not good. I wanted to pull out my hair!!!

Okay...done venting. Here are some wonderful pictures I said I would post!
Yay for personalized cards. I think almost all of them were in tears after this :) Which brought a tear to my eye. I made sure to tell them how special each one of them are and the great qualities they bring to the guard.
She loved it so much she was in tears :) Not really...she is just making a happy/sad face. If that makes sense....lol. They were very appreciative.
See...super excited! They were so excited they didnt even realize there was something else in the bag! :) I got them fun halloween socks too. Then I was bombarded with hugs. Oh yes...the new nickname is "Momma Megs". Haha!

The End to a Wonderful Weekend!

The weekend is over and it is now Monday. I was going to post last night and try to get caught up on commenting, but I was pooped!! I pretty much just crashed when we got home! Other than doing the several loads of laundry that must be done when we get home :)

So a rundown of the weekend :) It was great I must add! We had Semi-State on Saturday. My girls had the best performance they have had all season I believe! The band had some issues, but nothing major...so...the NP Marching Vikings will be performing at State Finals this Saturday in the brand new Lu.ca.s O.il Stadium!! Yay!! It's going to be an awesome day! It was a little bit windy and chilly on Saturday, but the girls pushed through and proved what they are capable of.

Camping was nice...other than I left saturday morning at 8:30 and was gone the entire day until about 10pm. So, I at least enjoyed some of the camping. We took an almost 4 mile walk on Sunday before lunch, which was kind of crazy, but the dogs were nice and worn out when we were done. Blaze slept the whole way home and then went straight to the couch and didnt move until bedtime, when he made his way to the bed :) He was exhausted. As of 7:30 this morning (when I left for work) he hadnt been out to potty since probably 4pm yesterday. So he is definitely pooped! It's fabulous the effects camping has on the dogs! :)

By the way...It was really nice to come back to lots of comments!! Thank you all so much! I will be working on getting my commenting done throughout today when I get an opportunity! Lots going on this week to prepare for State Finals! I will post some pictures of my girls reactions when I gave them their bears when I get home this evening. It was priceless!

Friday, October 24, 2008

A Confession Must be Made

Yes, I will be MIA for the next couple of days. Right in the middle of ICLW! What the heck, right?? Yeah...totally forgot we were going camping this weekend! I am definitely excited about it though. Im ready to somewhat get away for a weekend. It will be wonderful camping weather with a nice fire to cuddle up to at night :) And lots of blankets to snuggle up under too!

And tomorrow is Semi-State for NP marching Vikings! Whoo hoo!! It should be a really interesting day! Tomorrow is the contest that decides who gets to go to State Finals at Lucas Oil Stadium! Im pretty excited about it, because we are in a really good spot going into tomorrow. I just hope the girls remember everything that we have worked on cleaning this week!

This was short and sweet, but I will try to post a good one when I get back home on Sunday evening. Oh...a plus...hubby is on vacation all week next week!!! Pretty excited about that!

Oh yes...the girls absolutely loved their bears!! They were so excited some of them were actually crying :) Yay! lol

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Still Waiting for My Turn

As another pregnancy announcement hits us right square in the face, I am still waiting for my turn. When is it going to happen for us??? It would be great if we could get that answer soon. Hello?? Anyone?? (Is this mic on??)

So we attended hubby's grandpa's funeral today. Yes, it was not the greatest day, but hubby did very well. Much better than I thought he would. Im thinking it still hasnt set in that his grandpa is really gone. Im not sure.

We arrived back home about 3 this afternoon after spending most of the day with family only to receive a phone call from MIL about an hour later. Im just glad that I didnt answer the phone. Hubby came in and said, "that was mom"
Me: "What did she want?"
DH: "She wanted to tell us that someone is going to be a grandma"
Me: Thinking to myself...WTF!!!! Not another one!! Because I dont know if I can handle this. "So, who is it?"
DH: "P. K just told her when she got home this afternoon."
Me: Silence.

Okay...so of course I have a problem with this. This couple was supposed to be married a year ago this past September and the wedding was put off. Rescheduled for May. Nothing was ever said and May came and went. So we are now in October and she is 3 months pregnant. Oh yeah, they arent even living together anymore. She wanted to "make it on her own". Really? Okay, that's fine, whatever you feel compelled to do. I just dont get it. He moved back in with his mom. Im a little confused at this point. Also perterbed.

This was not a good night.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Drum Roll Please....

So I said that I would show you my project that I have been working on...so here it is :) Without further ado....







My mother and I have actually been working on these. I will be giving them to the girls on Thursday after practice. So they have their uniform, makeup, eyelashes, and airblade. Only 4 of them have the airblade because that's all that spin them, the other two will have a flag, which is still being worked on. This is the second year that I have done these. The girls loved them last year and were wanting to know if they were going to get them again this year :) so they will be surprised when they get them Thursday.

I copied the idea from my Senior year of high school. My mom and a couple other guard moms did the same thing for us that year and I thought it was really neat. I think it's a really great way to help remember the season :) Im excited!

Services

I will be at the funeral home most of the day today. Hubby and I have to be there around 2 and will be there until after 8 Im sure. Hubby says he is alright. He is just glad his grandpa is no longer suffering. However, he has to be a Paulbearer, so Im not really sure how that is going to work out. But I will be there for him :)

Tomorrow is the funeral. It will probably be another long day filled with lots of people I dont know. Hubby says he probably wont know most of them either. His grandpa has lots of brothers and sisters...

On a happier note...the NP Marching Vikings are headed to Semi-State this Saturday! Whoo hoo! They had an excellent performance this past weekend and it showed with the judges who placed them in 1st!!!! Yay!!! They were up against 16 other bands and only 10 total were able to move on to Semi-State. So, yes, it was an excellent day! I will post the link for the video as soon as one is posted on the website. It will only be a portion of the show, but it will be a nice little glimpse. I am so proud of my girls for doing so well!

I am working on a special project for them. I took a picture of it last night, so I will post that later this evening. (Im at the office right now) They will be receiving them on Thursday evening after practice :) Can't wait!

Today is the start of ICLW. Im going to do much better this time and make all of my comments because I know how much I enjoy hearing from others on my blog :) So, thanks to everyone for all of the comments!!! I look forward to them this week!

Friday, October 17, 2008

One Thing After Another

Today has not been the greatest of days. I woke up this morning with even more cramping, therefore, popping one of my painkillers, calling the office, and sleeping til noon. I honestly do not enjoy this. I do not enjoy havning to give myself a painkiller just to suffice the pain for a measily 3 hours. Yeah, that's it. However, I at least can get some rest during this time. I do have an abundance of sick days at work though, so I dont feel quite so bad :) I mean, they start getting taken away if I get too many...so you gotta use them sometime. Right?

On another note...DH's grandpa (his mom's dad) has been in the hospital since Thursday of last week, so over a week now. We received a phone call this morning from DH's mom saying they were at the hospital and had been there since 3am and Grandpa is not doing well. So, around 330 this afternoon I call my MIL to see how he is doing. She informs me that they are only giving him a few hours. I receive a phone call around 7 this evening saying he has passed away. Im not really sure how hubby is taking this. He is at work for another 30 minutes or so. I talked to him on the phone and I could tell he was upset. Hubby has never lost anyone in his family until now. (I lost both of my grandfathers within 1 year...about 7 years ago...both to cancer) Maybe he will do much better than I ever did. Im not really sure. He doesnt talk about his feelings much at all and I dont want to push it. I just hope he opens up to me.

The next few days are going to be busy...hopefully I will have time to breathe.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

CD 28...Oh But Wait...

Damn you Aunt Flo!!!!!! Why cant you just leave me be!!! So, today is still CD 28 because I didnt start my period until around 8pm tonight, while at band practice...and oh what cramps! Why do they have to just hit me like a freight train? What is the purpose of that?

So I was told by the doctor's office that if you start later in the evening you are supposed to count the next day as CD1, what has everyone else been told? Just curious. That could be a really stupid question, but again, Im curious.

This weekend is Regionals for the state of Indiana high school marching bands. It's a big weekend. It used to be the day that the top bands in the state were chosen to move on to State Finals...until this year. They added a week to include a Semi-State contest where about 20 bands will compete for the top 10 spots for State Finals. Semi-state will mix the north and south bands together for the first time all season and we will truly have the top 10 bands in the state at State Finals in Lucas Oil Stadium. Im pretty excited...because North Posey is ranked #2 in the state right now in Class D. :) Yay!!


Im showing off my girls again :) They have made me so proud this year!

Im really excited about how our season has gone so far. It's been wonderful and the girls have been great...mostly :) We all have our moments...and yeah, we are now pretty much all on the same cycle...which never fails. It amazes me how that happens. So, I will have several bitchy high school girls to deal with this weekend. :) Whoo hoo

On that note, it's waaay past my bedtime.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

And....

There is one more. The third and final baby has arrived. Unless there is another one in the family I dont know about. I dont think so though. He was born sometime today, but I dont know the details. Im happy for them. She had been put on bedrest for the last few weeks and Im glad to hear that everything is alright.

Im still waiting for Aunt Flo to make her grand entrance...

Ive Been Tagged

Okay...so I never got to the one from last week and I just remembered it...however, I decided I will just do this one :) It's a little more personal and I like it.

The rules are to go to My Pictures on your computer and post the 4th photo in the 4th folder and explain what it is. So, here we go :)




This picture is from hubby's cousin A's wedding back in January. He was a groomsman in the wedding. Hubby's eyes look a little blurry here...there could have been some alcoholic beverages involved by this time ;). Nah! hehe. That's all I really got... just us with about a year and half of marriage behind us...and about the same for TTC. This was before I knew about my Endo.

Im tagging:

Mel at Life in a Holding Pattern, Nity at I Believe in Miracles, Sarah at Take It One Gigantic Earth-Shattering Crisis at a Time, and Faith at Mustard Seed Baby

Please dont feel like you have to do this, because there is definitely not any pressure. Just something fun and a little different!!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

CD 27

Anxiously awaiting Aunt Flo's arrival. Any day now Im sure she will come. It's just a matter of when and if I will be prepared. Or maybe, just maybe the whole no alcohol thing for hubby worked wonders. Not getting my hopes up.


So I spent some quality time with my mommy this evening. It was nice, we had dinner, we went to W.a.l-M.art (rrrr...I hate the place), and then to M.ich.eal'.s. And she decides that it would be nice to inform me of how many people are pregnant at her place of work right now. Yeah, there are like 6 or 7 and she does not work in a huge corporation. What the crap? What is the point of telling me this...to make me feel bad?? I dont think that was the reason...she really just doesnt know how to talk to me about my infertility and has definitely given some pretty bad advice...until the time I laid into her (it was one of those days...we all have them!). So Im not really sure what the point of this was...but it definitely doesnt help knowing that everybody and their brother are pregnant...but me. I mean really.


So as I was sitting here on the computer I decided to go and check on Blazer. This is where I found him on our bed. He has decided that he likes to roll the covers back on the bed and now apparantly rearrange the pillows for his comfort. It was too cute not to take a picture :) Monday was his birthday...and he was a big whopping 3 years old. If you look real close you can kind of see his new camoflauge collar that hubby insisted he have. Yes, he has a matching leash too. He also got some greenies. And a big huge stinky knuckle bone. He really isnt spoiled I swear ;)





Friday, October 10, 2008

2 Down, 1 more to go...

As I have mentioned previously...there will be 3 brand spankin new babies during the holidays this year. All of them, on different sides of the family. How crap-tastic will that be? Also, as I have said before, not so thrilled about two of them, but really happy for the 3rd (love you A and A).

So one of these babies was born over Labor Day weekend, the second one....born just the other day. I was just informed by my mother last night about the birth and then got my butt chewed out because I didnt ask if the baby was healthy. Hey, it was an automatic assumption that if nothing was said about complications, both mother and baby were healthy. And as previously stated...this is one of the pregnancies I was not so thrilled about. I hate to be that way, but this is a cousin who has had everything handed to her since birth (we are the same age), and has never had to work for anything in her life....hell, she just started paying for her own damn car a few months ago!! And this is baby #2...with a guy who we never even know if they are together or not. Rrrr!! It's just so damn frustrating!

I need to change topics... sorry about my lack of posting. Ive sucked something major for the past couple of weeks when it comes to posting and commenting. Life is crazy! We are getting into some heavy contests with marching band now...so it's taking up most of my time. By the way...here's a clip from this past saturday at District contest (where our score placed us in 1st place!) http://www.indianamarching.com/bands/index.php?type=Band&school=North%20Posey&city=Poseyville It was an awesome day for the kids...and us Directors :) Now on to Regionals next Saturday!

On the TTC front...hubby has made it to 30 days no alcohol! Whoo hoo! (that makes him sound like an alcoholic, I promise he is not) Im just really proud of him...he has had a lot of temptation to go out and drink with the guys from work, but has persevered! Yay! Today is CD 22 for me. We shall see how the rest of the time goes. I should know by the end of next week if Aunt Flo is coming for her monthly visit or not.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Really....Really...Slacking!

Yes, I know, I havent posted since last week!! I really am sorry. Life has just been so crazy with the colorguard world that I havent had the opportunity to send out an update! Well, here it is. It really isnt much of anything, but it's something, just to let everyone know that I did not fall off the face of the earth. :)

So...not too much to report on the TTC front. I am at CD 13 at the present. I should be ovulating before too long. I havent been keeping track of my BBT at all...just having fun with hubby :). If nothing happens this cycle, then I will go back to tracking my BBT for next cycle. Im trying not to get my hopes up at all. This is just the first month that hubby hasnt had anything to drink at all, so we can hope for a good outcome, but again, not getting my hopes up too much.

The guard is doing very well! I didnt have the opportunity to take any pictures last week though. They have District this Saturday, which is one of the bigger contests to advance to Regionals...wish us luck! We are finally done with learning the flag work for our show too! Yay! :)

I was tagged for a meme...I shall do that later, I promise!

Other than that...not much else going on in my little world! Oh...please pray for one of my guard girls. We were at practice the other night and she ran to the bathroom to get sick. Her mother had to come pick her up from practice (she was not well enough to drive home) and apparantly she just got worse and was taken to the hospital. So I received a text from one of my junior girls saying that she was really worried about K. And of course, not knowing what was going on, I asked what was wrong. She proceeded to inform me that K has a cyst or something on her brain?? Please dont quote me...I dont know for sure. I hate second-hand information, but that's all I have right now. I will update as soon as I know something more. Just keep her in your prayers!! Thanks!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Im ready....

For a job change. Im getting burnt out. And why may you ask? Well, when I wake up every day and am getting ready for work...the one thing that goes through my mind every morning is that work is the last place that I want to be. It's not because Im lazy...because if that were the case, I wouldnt also be a guard instructor every other evening of the week.

Ive been searching the paper and our state website...and there hasnt been anything. The other problem with my place of employment, is that we are the lowest paid Social Workers in our city. I kid you not. It really doesnt help that we are funded by grants alone, but still...come on. Times are changing...cost of living is steadily increasing. Lets get on the band wagon shall we?

So needless to say, Im looking. Im looking quite a bit. The sooner I find another job, probably will be for the better. Don't get me wrong, I love working with most of the clients, but beating your head against the same dang wall over and over because there arent any services for this person and there arent enough for this person...really tiresome. I also dont really enjoy my new supervisor. We had a recent change beginning of this summer...and it's not going well at all. It was supposed to be temporary, but I think it's going to be more permanent from now on. So...

Next subject please... :) I want you to meet my beautiful guard girls! Here are some pictures of the whole crew and some of them performing. If you go here: http://www.indianamarching.com/bands/index.php?type=Band&school=North%20Posey&city=Poseyville you will be able to see a few videos from last year's marching season (2007).

This is the whole crew. That includes me, my two guard techs, and my six girls. This was right before their wonderful performance for Best Guard!





Warmups

During a performance...they didnt have all of their work for weapons, so they werent spinning here...oh well! :) These are my four upperclassmen who I have been working with for the past 3 years (three of them were freshmen when I started). I love these girls and wouldnt trade them for anything!

So that's just something for your viewing pleasure. If you do view the video...make sure you look at the one from 10/20/07...that is from State Finals in the RCA Dome.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Im back

And feeling better! Whoo hoo! It's nice to be able to function during the day :) Actually, Saturday I felt much better all day! I had some minor cramping, but other than that, I was good. Friday was just a really bad day for the cramping. But Im good now and Im ready for this month!! ;)

So I read a post from Life In a Holding Pattern and she talked about intimacy with your partner. I thought that maybe I would just touch on this a bit. It has been really hard to keep the intimacy up when TTC. I think that the more we have to go through with treatments, the harder it seems to be. The other factor we have working against us right now is that hubby is on 2nd shift and Im an 8-5er. Well, then of course I spend most of my evenings teaching colorguard 30 min from my house. So, by the time hubby gets home from work Im sound asleep with Blaze and he's too tired to do anything too. So, most of our time for intimacy is on the weekends...when he doesnt have to work that overtime. That really doesnt always work out so well for us. Im trying, I really am. This month Im going to try a lot harder since we wont have the stress of the IUI's on our shoulders. Im close enough that if I wanted to, I could run home for "lunch" to spend some time with my hubby. What do they call those, Nooners, I think :). Haha...but you know, I hate planning our intimacy. I dont think it's something that should have to be planned, but apparantly, it does. And that kind of sucks.

On a different note, we had our Band Invitational this past Saturday. We hosted it, so we didnt have to worry about going anywhere. Which was nice. The band did really well, even though we werent actually being judged with the rest of the bands. I think the show is going to do very well this year :) and Im pretty excited for the next few weeks. The first weekend in October is our District contest, then another invitational, then Regionals, Semi-State, and hopefully State in the brand new Lucas Oil Stadium in Indy. We have been to state for the past 5 years in a row, so we are hoping for 6! It is going to be a great season.

So, I am doing the ICLW this month. Im already slacking a bit. I didnt get my comments in yesterday, but I promise that I will do better the rest of the week! :) I will be playing catch up today. As soon as I get a chance to!

I was asked how Blaze is doing....he is doing just fine. We had an issue with his toe last week on his front right paw. It was really red and inflamed, so we took him to the vet because it was looking pretty bad (he had also lost all the hair between his toes). He was put on a really expensive antibiotic for the possible infection (the vet couldnt tell if there was something in it, or if it was just an infected scratch), well, he is getting much better now. After the swelling went down and he let me inspect it, I thought I had found something in it, but it turns out it was a clump of hairs that were just causing some irritation. At least that is my diagnosis. Im not a vet by any means, but it is definitely clearing up after I did some minor removing of hairs with the tweezers. :) So he is getting much better. He has a birthday coming up too in October..he will be 3 years old! He gets a new collar and leash every year...this year will be camoflauge. I will post pictures after the 13th :)

Friday, September 19, 2008

And She Returns...

In all her glory. Even sent me home early from work today. Old Aunty decided she was going to hit me mid-morning pretty much without any warning, which is really odd because I usually have a lot of warning...spotting, back ache, etc. My cramps were pretty bad today, so I came home early from work because I really thought I was going to get physically sick at one point. Havent had that issue for a while now.

So we begin our next cycle. Hubby is still doing really well with no alcohol. However, he still refuses to wear a mask at work. Im praying that just the abstinence from alcohol will do the trick. We shall see.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Waiting (im)patiently

Yes, that's right. I am on CD 32 starting today. This is most of the time unusual for me, but not always. Of course, I have been almost 2 weeks late before (a couple times actually) and we all know the end result of that one. No, I have not taken a test yet. Hubby has already asked me that this morning. Let me just tell you, Im scared. Because records indicate that really, I dont have the best luck in this department as we all know. So Im just waiting....impatiently.

Found out some news yesterday that would definitely not make me the odd man out in my family anymore. Yes, Im not the only one who might possibly have Endometriosis. (Well, we all know that I have it) So, it's not cool that we are just finding out now that this probably runs in the family. Really wish I would have known this earlier. Oh well, what are you going to do. It would have just explained a whole heck of a lot of things. Mind you, it took my mother 5 years to have me after she had my brother. Hmmm....do we see a slight connection?? My sister is 7 years older than I, so I mean.... Well, nothing was ever done to see if there was a reason my mother was having trouble, so we will never know.

Im ready for the weekend....

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I Really Just Don't Understand At All

As I have said before, I am a Social Worker, and I work with Homeless individuals and families to get housing so they can become more self-sufficient. If you remember, I have definitely talked about how challenging this job is almost on a daily basis for me. I have the pleasure of being the only caseworker in our agency (there are only 4 of us total right now) to go to one of our family shelters in the city (which really only holds 4 families total). Im sure this is going to make several people a little upset, so if you wish to read on, do, but dont say I didnt warn you. :)

A couple weeks ago, after only working with a family for about a week or so, they tell me that she is late. Late for what I ask (knowing full well the answer). Late for her period. Okay. I can handle this. How late are you? I ask. She says only a couple days and she has taken a test. She says that at first it was negative, but it changed to positive shortly after, so she isnt sure.

Okay... I just want you to know that this couple has 4, yes I repeat, 4 little girls already. Their ages you ask...7, 6, 2, and 7 months. My reaction to this newly highlighted information? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?! I wont tell you the response I got from him. Okay... so I run through the laundry list of questions. Were you not using condoms? He's allergic. There are other kinds that do not have latex, which another agency can help you get. What about BCP? My doctor doesnt believe in BC. Okay, you need another doctor then honey, because this is the 21st century and there are plenty of others who will prescribe it. I mean really...come on. What about P.lann.ed Pa.re.nth.ood? She tells me she has never heard of it. Now that, I find really hard to believe. So I tell them to go to the local health department to get another test done asap and then get back with me.

Two weeks pass and I saw them again on Monday. And guess what...she's pregnant, for sure. Well yippey fucking doo dah. What the H!!!! She at least got herself an appointment with a doctor. So...this is what pisses me off! These families who already can not provide for the ones they have, yet are bringing another baby into this hell they are in. This is the hard part of my job. Because I have to keep working with them, making sure everything they do is thinking about the future. I know Im being selfish when I say this, but damnit, when is it going to be my turn to have good news, knowing that I can actually provide for a baby when one comes into this world with hubby and I. I dont understand why I am being put through this, having to face such instances pretty much on a daily basis. It just plain sucks!

Oh yeah...the other thing. Why in the hell do I keep getting baby shit in the mail. Does this happen to anyone else?? Out of the blue, B.ab.y's R. U.s sends me this small catalog filled with coupons for up to like $30 off of things in their store. I mean really, give me a break. And today, I get something else about some Mother's Club thing. Hello, not me, no baby, no preggo. Let's just dig the wounds a little bit deeper shall we? They were even starting to heal a little bit from last cycle. AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! That's all I have to say. I want to scream at the top of my lungs for all the frustration that I have over this.

I told Sister M today that I just want to know why He feels that putting me through all of this is a good thing. I really just dont understand at all. Her response, "I wish He would fill you in too".

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Enjoying the Moments that I Can

This has been a pretty good weekend so far. Friday night was spent at my old high school with my guard girls for the Football game. They had a good performance. Saturday we had a long practice and then contest in the evening. It ended very well! We placed first in our class, Best Drum Major, Best Percussion, and Best Auxillary (guard). Our busy, hard week paid off! And I definitely made it a point to tell them that...they were very tired Saturday before the contest after only having one evening last week to themselves. But they were really excited when they heard their results. I was really excited also!

Today, Im just messing around on the computer. DH is working tonight so Im here trying to relax in preparation for another busy week. Hopefully not as busy as last week, but Im sure it will be close.

Follow-up from the Dr. appointment. Hubby is very willing to do the 90 days without alcohol, but not willing to wear a mask at work for 90 days. He says he tried it, but it gets way too hot for him to do it and he cant breathe. Im not sure what my feelings are on this. He's convinced that just the alcohol will fix the problem. Im being the pessimistic one. Im not so sure that I agree with him on this. I dont know. Ive tried bribing him with various things; a new X-Box (the really good one, because his broke) and various other things I wont go into detail about ;). But it doesnt seem to be working. Im not sure what to do.

Im not looking forward to the next few months. Yeah, Im staying busy with my girls (I really feel like a 2nd mother to them at times), but the holidays are fast approaching. Which brings on seeing new babies pretty much on all sides of the family but one. Yeah, three newborns by Christmas. Im not gonna lie, it's going to be hard.

So today is CD 28. I know she's coming, it's just a matter of when. I dont have my usual signs or symptoms, but I know she will soon be visiting in all her glory. We will just have to wait and see when that happens this month.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Good for Me...

Yet, bad for him...

I went to my Doctor appointment today and was super prepared with all my questions in tow. Written down on two nice little sheets of paper to reference if I were to forget one of them. When the Doctor came in, he was just as prepared as I was :), which made me very happy. Here's a rundown of the visit...

Him - "I see you have some questions for me, so lets get started"
Me - "Well, I was really wanting to know if you had any ideas as to why the past two cycles, especially this last one, did not work."
Him - Immediately opens my chart and pulls out his pen. He starts thumbing through DH's SA from the samples he gave for the inseminations. Basically in a nut shell he informs me that DH's morphology is not where it should be, which is what is causing the lack of pregnancy. He was going through all of his numbers (very confusing I might add, especially as fast as he was talking) and saying that he is below normal on almost all of them. He then informs me that all of my hormone levels, egg quality/maturity, have been excellent. He states that he couldnt ask for a better response from me (whoo hoo!).
Me - "So, what exactly might influence the morphology? DH works out daily and takes some supplements (that I named), would that have anything to do with it?"
Him - "No. However, if he is taking any stimulants before he works out to get his energy up, then that would effect."
Me - "Im pretty sure he doesnt do that. I think I have threatened him pretty much with his life if he goes to that measure."
Him - "Alcohol could be a factor also. Even if he doesnt drink all the time. If he has a beer when he gets home from work, or when you go out to eat, or even just chatting with friends, that could definitely make a difference."

**Sidenote** We have totally discussed this in depth since like Day 1 of TTC. He had even done his research and found it out for himself. What guy doesnt like to have a few beers when they are watching some sports event on tv? Or after they mow the lawn? Yeah, Im sure there are MANY that do. So on with the appointment...

Him - "Tell him to go 90 days without having a drink and then we will see what happens. You may even get pregnant on your own. Another factor could be chemicals that he breathes in, smoke (even if he doesnt smoke) can effect, and also if he is around someone smoking marijuana."
Me - "You said breathing in chemicals? DH works at a plastics plant here in e-ville and has for over 4 years now. It is more than likely effecting him?"
Him - "Yes. We have done a few studies....blah, blah....and found that most men who work in that industry have trouble TTC. He needs to start wearing a mask every day for the next 90 days and then we will see what happens."
Me - "DH doesnt wear a mask I dont think. We will definitely have a nice long discussion about this."

So...as I said, good for me, but bad for him. Basically, without blaming, it's hubby's fault. And that really sucks! However, now that we have some answers to what may be causing it, we may be able to somewhat fix it. That's positive. So after the 90 days, if we arent pregnant on our own, Im supposed to call and let him know so that I go back on BCP. He was highly insistent on this at the end because my endo will start to come back before too long and he wants to keep it at bay as best he can.

And the last question I asked was about how long we could wait to do another cycle. He said that it didnt matter how long we waited that I was responding well with everything. He said they may even lower the hormone levels in the injections I was doing. Then he went back to saying that DH needed to have the 90 days under his belt when we do decide to come back if we dont get pregnant on our own, otherwise, we would have to think about IVF. Ha! Yeah, cant afford that at all. It would be several years before we could do that, unless I switch jobs to a State job where I can get the fertility insurance coverage (which Im trying to do anyway!).

Im ready to be extremely proactive about this. Im just scared that hubby may not be quite as proactive as I am. He really likes his beer during football season. And I cant monitor him 24/7. I am just going to have to trust that he will do what the Doctor suggests. Im gonna keep a calendar and maybe do some special things for him if he does both of these after so many days. If you have any ideas, throw them my way!! Im up for whatever :)

Did I mention I absolutely love my Doctor? He is super nice and took all the time that I needed today to make sure to answer all of my questions. I also really love the office staff. They are wonderful! They are always so nice and every time I walk in the door, the receptionist knows exactly who I am. Im really glad that I was referred to Dr. B. Hunger has hit me...I need to go eat something for supper.

Monday, September 8, 2008

A little of this and that

I know that I had a few people worried recently with my last post. I really was having a bad day. Yes, Im better. However, I still feel like Im stuck. Im awaiting Wednesday when I can hopefully get some much needed possible answers from my Doctor about what may have happened with my last cycle. I guess Im just still really confused. Im hanging in there though. Just a little mild, situational depression. I think we all go through this at some point in our lives. (Uh oh, Im diagnosing myself now, never a good sign)

I go to the Doctor on Wednesday afternoon. I have started out my nice long list of questions that I will be asking. I hope he is prepared to meet with me for a while. I will try to make it quick, but no guarantees. I already have a full page, front and back, of questions. I left spaces after so that I can write down some of his answers just in case I forget. My short term memory is not the greatest. So I will be prepared and I hope he is prepared with my charts right in front of him for reference.

I have been reading ' A Few Good Eggs '. I am really enjoying it and learning a few things along the way that I really did not realize. It was definitely a great purchase. Im not very far right now though, so I am sure there is lots that I will still be learning. When I pick it up, I cant put it down for a while. Which, I guess, is a good thing. Like I said, Im learning a lot as I read.

My girls (and the band) had an excellent performance for their first contest this weekend. We only had one other band in our class, but we took first place. It was a little disheartening to hear that we did not get best guard, but we will be okay. Hopefully that will motivate them to work even harder this week so that we can pull that off for contest this Saturday. We will have much more competitive bands in our class at this next contest, so the entire band will have to step it up in order to place 1st again. Marching season is underway!

That's all I got for now. Life is crazy busy now that marching season has really kicked in gear. I definitely wont be posting as often as I had been. I will make sure to update everyone on my visit with my doctor on Wednesday. I hope he does not rush me along so that I can ask all the questions I want to ask.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Stuck

Im stuck in a rut and I feel like I am drowning. It feels like I am suffocating. I dont know what to do to get out of it. It just kind of hit me like a huge truck. Im so angry today. I have no idea what my deal is. Which makes me even more frustrated. Today is just not a good day at all.

Im really glad that it's Friday because I think if I had to go through another day of work, I would rip out my hair. Okay, maybe it's my job. I find myself getting extremely frustrated at the smallest things and losing my patience very, very quickly with some of my coworkers. I feel like Im being super negative all the time, but I dont know what else to do to make it better. So again, Im stuck.

That's where my life is right now. Stuck in a constant state of anger and sadness. Anger over the fact that we are so much in debt with all of this that it really scares me. Anger because I dont understand why this is happening to us. Sadness because we may never be able to have the family we so desperately want.

I have found that I put on a wonderful act when it is needed. Throw on the smiles when everyone asks how things are going, but deep down inside is another story. There's a lot of pain. Pain that isnt going away.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Another Cycle Slowly Drifts Along

I was bored last night so I decided to go to Barnes and Noble and see about finding me a good book to read. I found the book 'A Few Good Eggs'. Im sure others have heard of it. Im liking it so far. If anyone has any other suggestions for books make sure to throw them my way. I enjoy a really good book every now and then.

Crazy, splitting headache all day today. It really has not been good at all. When I was getting ready for work this morning, I started to see spots and had some blurred vision in my right eye. Yeah, sounds like I was starting to get a migraine. I havent had a migraine in several years. I think my last one was in 2003 or so. They were so bad I had to stay in bed the whole day with the covers over my head to block out any light. That was a really, really stressful summer for me too. We had moved mid-summer after we had been in my childhood house since I was born (I was 19 by then), due to certain circumstances. It was just not a good summer at all. So maybe this headache is telling me that I need to slow it down and relax or else. I dont know. I still have a slight headache, but one of my coworkers gave me a wonderful massage just a little bit ago and it seemed to help a little. I also went home for my lunch break and made hubby rub my head, feet, and back :).

The marching band that I have been helping with all summer has their first contest this Saturday. The girls are really nervous I think. Im really nervous too. I would love to keep our reputation of being one of the best guard in Southern Indiana in our class. Last year, I think there was only one contest where the girls did not get Best Guard. They were pretty devastated. So Im hoping we can pull it off this year with an undefeated streak. That would be awesome! Im struggling with a couple new girls in getting them to understand it all, but Im hoping by mid-season it will finally just click on like a light bulb. That usually is what happens with the freshmen. So Im pretty excited. It should be a good weekend.

I am midcycle right now. Not really sure what day I am on. I have no earthly idea if I ovulated or not. That's kind of sad. I just havent been paying attention at all. Honestly, Im past the point of caring for this month. Im just waiting for my appointment with my Dr. so that I can ask all my questions. Which by the way, still need to be written out so that I dont forget them. I go in on the 10th in the afternoon. Im really hoping that he has some kind of answers for me. Just give me something!! Im still dead set against going back on birth control if that is what he wants me to do until we go through with our 3rd IUI cycle. I just really feel that it defeats the entire purpose of everything! Any thoughts? If so, please let me know.

So I know that every RE is different in the methods they prefer, but sometimes when I read blogs about the same thing I am doing, I dont much see that others are doing anything similar. It makes me a little uneasy at times. I have a friend who basically laid down the law with her RE and told him exactly what she wanted and what she thought and now, that's pretty much what's happening. I know my RE knows what he is doing and I know that everyone is different when it comes to what works with their body/cycle, but it still makes me wonder if my RE is really taking the time to review all of my bloodwork, my ultrasounds, etc. Im gonna ask at this next appointment. He needs to review my bloodwork and ultrasounds with me. He also needs to talk about my pain in the ass cervix that we have had so many problems with. I need some answers before I go insane!! Ahhh!! Okay...Im better.

Oh...baby alert. My cousin who wasnt due for another 4 weeks...had her baby this past weekend. The big problem that I have with this...she isnt married and wants nothing to do with the father of the baby...because apparantly he's a little taken and by taken, I mean ring on the finger. Im sure Im going to get shit for this from my family members who are reading this, but I dont care. It really, really pisses me off. It could be jealousy, yes, but Im more pissed than anything. I mean, really, what is up with that?? How does this happen to those who arent even thinking about TTC, but those of us who are and are having problems...we are S.O.L. (shit out of luck for those of you who werent quite sure about that).

Okay...so maybe Im just a little angry about my situation. Hey, I think I have every right to be at this point. I have another cousin due in October who I never even know if she is with the father or not. It varies from week to week. They already have one together, but apparently havent figured out what causes it. Last I knew, they were no longer together again, but who knows today. Okay...I need to stop. Im sounding like a raging lunatic. It's just been building for so long, I needed to vent. Please dont judge. Im usually not like this at all. Im just really, really flipping frustrated.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

We are back from yet another wonderful weekend of camping. I dont have many pictures to post from this trip because I just didnt take that many, but what I do have, I will post here in a bit! :)

So the major thing that I hate about camping is when you get home, the laundry is horrible! Not only does EVERYTHING smell like campfire, but you have to wash pretty much everything that you took with you when you get home. Therefore, I am still doing laundry well through the week following our weekend. So, yes, the laundry is still waiting for me as I write...


This is my baby (Blaze) during one of our nice long walks. So to answer a couple questions from my last post, yes Blaze goes with us, and yes he loves camping. Well at least I think he does. He is always so worn out by the end of our weekend all he wants to do is sleep. And the guy way up in the distance...that's my hubby and his sexy butt ;) And yes, when we go on trails, Blaze is so good about staying with us he doesn't have to stay on his leash.


This is Blaze after our hike on Saturday. He still had several walks to get through for the rest of the weekend. He tuckers out so quickly :) The funny part is by the time we go to bed he is so ready for sleep that he practically begs us to go to bed earlier. We cheat with our camping too, we have a pop-up camper (that we bought for really cheap from a family friend) with air conditioning. So we sometimes take him in during the really hot days to cool off a little in the air. Poor guy has an all black coat. We have definitely had our fair share of tent camping too, I promise! We had to buy an 8 person tent a few years ago because Blaze was closterphobic (sp?) in our 4 person. That was not a fun weekend!

Oh yes...I got to see my "friend" (the one that I broke down at her baby shower back in June) while camping. She had her baby. He is 3 weeks old. They came down just for the night I think to stay with her in-laws. It was awkward. Didnt really know what to say to her. Especially when she told me that she has Postpartum Depression and cries all the time. I told her join the crowd, only mine isnt from having a baby, obviously. She was telling me about how little sleep she gets at night and that she doesnt ever want to take him anywhere for fear of exposing him to germs. I just listened. All I could really say was he was beautiful.

And that's that. Im all out of things to talk about! :)