Wednesday, July 30, 2008

CD #6: My heart reaches out

Not much to report today. Im feeling a lot better than I was yesterday. I dont have the constant "urge" at all. Maybe it was just all the water I have been drinking. That could very well be it, but if it happens any more, definitely calling the doctor. Please dont yell at me for not calling today... :).

Injections are going well. Same ol' same ol' as last time, just a higher dose. No pain. Im actually really good at giving myself shots now. Not really sure if that's a good thing...maybe I should have been a nurse instead of a Social Worker?? Nah! I enjoy my job most of the time. There is the occasional day when I just really do not want to be there. But I think that everyone has those days.

Today was one of those days. Wednesdays I have the pleasure of spending some of my normal lunch hour at one of our Soup Kitchens. Im supposed to be there in case anyone needs to talk to me about where to find resources, housing, etc. Today was a busy day. Not really that people came to talk to me, but busy with how many people were actually in the church. There were a LOT of kids. And it wasnt just a lot of school age kids (out for the summer), it was more like 3 and 4 year olds and under. It really breaks my heart to see this. Especially when you see generations of families come in all together. It's that dang cycle that is so hard to break for these people. Especially now when our economy just keeps getting worse. Well, before I get on my soapbox, I will change the subject.

Everything else is going well. I go in on Sunday for my u/s and b/w. Not sure if I said that in the last post or not. Checking of the follicles and then see where we go from there. Whether I have to visit them every other day or every day to get more b/w and u/s done. The way Im figuring, I think IUI's are going to fall sometime around next weekend. Either right before the weekend or during. We will have to play it by ear just like last time.

Anyone else ready for it to be this weekend already? I sure as heck am just so I can get to my u/s and make sure those follies are growing as they should. Im hoping to have at least two or three good ones this time. That way, my chances will greatly increase for a BFP! So, lets do some yodelling, chanting, praying, whatever you want to do! :) Oh....I want to say thanks to all those that read my blog and those who comment. It's great to know that I have blogging friends looking out for me! Until tomorrow....

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

CD #5 today has not been a good day and I havent even started my Gonal-f injections yet. Getting ready to do that by the way. Well, lets just say that I think I am getting some kind of infection. Yes, that's right, an infection dealing with the bladder or basically a UTI. I have never had one before, but dangit, it's really flipping annoying. I am going to have to call the Dr. tomorrow and let them know what I have been "feeling" the entire day. This shouldnt mess anything up with my injections right?? Because really...that would just be shitty. But I have been so uncomfortable all day long and constantly feel the need to go to the bathroom, but when I do, not a whole heck of a lot comes out. So, I googled. My symptoms definitely fit into the category of a UTI. Possibly of the bladder. No lower back pain at the present.

So this is just great. Lets just add one more thing to the wonderful debt that we have already accumulated. So I will be calling the Dr. in the morning and letting the nurse know my symptoms and make sure this is not going to screw anything up for this cycle. I dont see why it would if I get it taken care of now. Im sure they will tell me I need to call my Family doctor (yeah, I dont have one of those) and let them know the situation. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! Time for my injection.

Monday, July 28, 2008

CD #4

Let the emotional rollercoaster begin!! Well, Im actually hoping that it doesnt get too bad this month, but I think that it is going to be inevitable. Went in for my ultrasound today and my cyst is GONE!!!! Whoo hoo!! I have a couple really tiny ones, but they said it was nothing to be worried about.

So...tomorrow begins the wonderful nightly injections that I must endure for the next 5-10 days. In June I started out with injections of Gonal-F pen at 75 on days 5-10. This month, I get to double that dosage to 150 of Gonal-F pen, days 5-10. That is why I said that I think it is going to be inevitable that I will be on an emotional rollercoaster for the next two weeks. My hormones are going to be so out of whack and over the top I'm sure that I am going to be a handful for several people. It's probably a good thing that DH is now on 2nd shift, because that will mean less time that he will have to put up with my crazy moods. So everyone please be prepared for the usual hormonal blogging that I will probably be going through here very soon. :)

Oh and I have now given both of my arms and my left leg for this whole IUI #2 to be possible. My injections, since they upped my dosage, are now costing $200 more than in June and I had to bite my tongue when the lady from the pharmacy gave me my total. I literally think that I about crapped my pants. So if you look back at a previous post from June I think I gave the total cost for IUI #1...just add $200 and that is how much we are paying this cycle. All I have to say is...Shit the Bed!!!! And again, atleast I have one leg to stand on for the time being.

There is no way in H*LL we will be able to do another cycle. It is just not financially possible. So, Im hoping and praying and crossing everything that can be crossed that we have a good outcome for this month. Oh and I am giving up my caffeine. Well, I will have to ween myself off of it, but Im gonna do it. It will make me healthier in the long run and that is really the worst habit that I have healthwise, so that is my goal for this month. I also am going to start taking my prenatal vitamins again. So, I really have two goals for this month.

Well, Im at work, so I had better get off here and try to do some notes on clients.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Pretty excited :)

Im babysitting tonight. Which is great by the way! This is the first time that my brother has let me babysit (Blaze is the reason he didnt want his kids with me, which totally sucks, because as I said in an earlier post, he is awesome with kids). We have had fun. We went to Mickey D's for dinner (healthy, healthy) and played on the playground afterward. My niece and nephew both had a blast. They are now sound asleep in the other bedroom.

It's been fun trying to keep my nephew (who is 15 months) out of Blaze's water bowl. He has decided that whenever he sees water, he thinks that he can splash it everywhere. Blaze's water bowl gets pretty nasty because he drools so much, so you can just guess how fun that is to clean up. Blaze was a little too excited when they first got here, but has only knocked J down once. J has hit, pinched, poked, and layed on Blaze and he hasnt cared one bit. I havent had to worry about Blaze nipping/biting him or anything. It's awesome! So this just confirms my theory that he is going to be great with a baby in the house. Im sure that he is going to want to sleep with my niece (who is 4) when it is time to go to bed. In fact, he has already been in there once and laid on the bed.

So anyways...this is a great thing. This just keeps proving that he is going to be awesome with a little one. Im so past ready now that it just keeps getting harder and harder. This month wasnt that bad because I was on BCP. There wasnt any disappointment, just a lot of anticipation for AF to start so that I can get things rolling with IUI #2. And it all starts over again on Monday with the first ultrasound. I will definitely be keeping everyone up to date again. It's nice that I will pretty much know what to expect now with this cycle.

Oh and I think I read a post by someone else that said something about starting big projects during IF treatments, yeah, we fall into that category. Our deck is literally falling apart and we have waited waaaay too long to replace it, so we are in the process of finding out just when they are going to come and put a new one on the house. First payment is already sent (ouch) and now we are just waiting for them to call and let us know when they will be out so that we can tear the old one down, bust up concrete and get a nice, new, shiny deck. The savings is slowly dwindling down to very little backup in case of emergency. As Im sure that I am not the only one with this problem. However, the deck has to be replaced. It really is getting ready to fall apart (boards are starting to warp and the stairs are rotten beyond repair with concrete blocks holding them up). Im hoping the people call back very, very soon and can come out very, very soon. Until next time!

Friday, July 25, 2008

My Lack of Posting

For all those wondering...if you were at all. I have been on vacation all week long and haven't had time to post. Well, I've actually been really exhausted this whole week so I haven't really felt like posting. My vacation this week consisted of being out in the nice hot sun from 12-8:30pm every day teaching colorguard routine and drill sets to my high school guard Im working with. So I really have not had much of a "vacation". I didn't have to go to my grown-up job all week, so that was my vacation.

AF came late last night, so today is officially CD1 of the next cycle. I go back to the doctor Monday morning at 8am. Lets all pray that my huge balloon of a cyst has disappeared from my ovary so that we can continue on with IUI #2. Im pretty sure that I will not be happy if I have to do another rest cycle. Also, this is the last cycle that DH and I can afford to do for a while, so Im really hoping and praying that it works out. Otherwise, we will be waiting until the two cycles get paid off before starting the third and who knows when that will be. And by that time, my endo will more than likely be back to grace us with its presence.

Also, for those that were wondering....Blaze is a 141 lb. Great Dane. He is my baby. He sleeps with us every night (Im guilty of starting that) and thinks he is a lap dog. I enjoy having him around. He is definitely ready for a little brother or sister though ;). He has always been really good with my neices and nephews and I think he will be wonderful with a baby in the house. More than likely, he will end up being very protective, as he is of DH and I. So, yes, he is huge. But as I said earlier, he really does think he is a lap dog and will prove it to you in a heartbeat :). That's all I got for now. I am still extremely exhausted, as today was the last day of our band camp. I will definitely need the weekend in order to recooperate.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

A Little Bit of Everything

So I feel like crap right now. I have had some pretty decent cramps all day today. It really has not been cool. It is also like a week too early. I havent actually started yet, but I feel it coming on. My lower back has been hurting and also the cramping, so I know it's not too far away. Which, is really crazy, because I should have another whole week before AF.

I have decided that if I have to rest for another cycle due to my cyst not being gone, I am not going to take BCP again. They have totally messed up my female system like no other! It's probably the whole, BCP during May, pump my body full of extra hormones during June, then back on BCP for July thing. Im just thinking that really is not a good thing. Im no Doctor, but I do know what my body has been doing this month, and it's not cool. So, like I said, if I cant do a second cycle of IUI, then no more BCP.

Well, life has been really crazy this week. DH is on 2nd shifts now, and I really dont think that I am going to like it at all. We dont spend as much money now, but I am always home by myself and I NEVER get to see him. Unless I try to prop my eyes open for when he gets home around 11:30. Im a granny when it comes to bedtime, so Im usually pretty out by the time he gets home at night. He does get up shortly before I leave for work in the mornings, but even then we only see each other for about 10 minutes. It's really not cool. However, if we do become pregnant, it might be a good thing for him to remain on 2nd shift because he will be home at night with me and we would only have to pay a sitter for a couple hours a day each week. That would be nice. I know daycare is super expensive. Along with everything else in this country right now!!

Okay, so here are a couple pics of our camping trip over the 4th. These are just to show you how much Blaze enjoyed himself over the weekend
So this was after we took the long hike down to the river, played frisbee, then hiked all the way back. His uncle R decided he needed to get a massage for his aching paws :) Can we say spoiled?? And yes, he has to lay on a blanket otherwise he wont lay down. Again, he's only a little spoiled!!

After we played some frisbee down by the river after a nice long walk through tick-infested woods....Oh yes, those are my DH's sexy chicken legs ;)

So that is all I got for tonight. I really hope that my cramping stops. I am on vacation next week!!! Whoo hoo!!! However, it's not really going to be much of a vacation due to the fact that I have to teach colorguard all week out in the scorching sun for Band Camp. Fun, fun. But maybe my legs will actually get some sun on them and not be so blindingly white. Adios!!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008


I really dont have much to say, but I hadnt written anything in a couple days, so I figured I better let everyone know that I am still alive. Somewhat.... :) Well, I should be making a phone call to the Dr. sometime next week I do believe. Really hoping that my cyst is gone so we can get this show back on the road and hope we dont get derailed again.

I have yet to hear back from my "friend" about the email. I dont believe that she has probably viewed it yet. Im not really sure if she will even contact me back about it or not. We shall see. I just hope she reads the Resolve articles that i sent to her. That would be good.

Well, as I said before, Im kind of boring tonight. I havent really been thinking about this month very much, which I think is a good thing. I know that this month is a bust due to the BCP, so I am anxiously awaiting next week when I get to go back to the doctor and start it all over again. So, I will try to be more energetic about posting. But really, my life is kind of boring outside of the Infertility Well, until next time.....:)

Saturday, July 12, 2008

You Just Need to Be Patient

Hahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha!!!!!!!! So I didnt think that I was going to have a whole lot to write about tonight, but I do. Well, only because I just checked my email. Remember that baby shower I attended a couple Sundays ago with the "friend" who told me I "needed to be patient". Well, she's back. So, this is her email and then my response to that nice little email....

*** Hey M! I just wanted to write you and see how you were doing? I think about you a lot! Just remember it will happen! You just have to patient. Ya your thinking easy for you to say...Huh? But remember what my favorite lady told me....."All in God's time!" Love ya Let me know when you want to get together!! ***

(My Response was as follows)*** Im not really sure how to say this. Im going through a really hard time right now and being told that I just have to be patient really doesnt help me all. Patience is not the answer to my current situation. I understand that you mean well and I really appreciate you taking the time to let me know that you are thinking about me. However, you could just leave it at that. Yes, I really would like to get together sometime, but right now, it is very hard for me. I love you to death and always have, but I dont think you realize just what we are going through. And that is okay. I dont expect you to thoroughly understand. And how do you know that it will happen for us? How can you be so sure about something when you really dont totally know? We have been trying for 22 months now. 22 months!!!! That's a really long time. I really dont mean for this to be harsh, but I just want you to try to grasp a little bit of my life for the past 2 years. Just try to imagine having been trying to conceive for that long. What would you think? How would you feel? Especially for the first 18 months of that, not knowing at all what was wrong with you or possibly wrong with your husband. Then having to fork out thousands of dollars when they did find the reason in a procedure that may not even work when it's all said and done. Just hitting one obstacle after another and hoping that every month maybe it would be different this time. Please, try to put yourself in my shoes and then tell me to be patient. I have a couple links that I would like for you to read. If you choose not to, fine, but if you do, you might be able to grasp a little bit of my situation and the emotions that I go through on a monthly basis. Im sorry if you are offended, but I had to say all of that for me. So, here are those links.
http://www. resolve. org/site/PageServer?pagename=cop_tainf_jffaf

http://www. resolve. org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie


So, someone please tell me that I am not nuts in telling her all of this. My DH told me that my response was not too harsh, which made me feel much better. I guess I basically lost it. She needs to be informed. And it's better that we werent in person, because face to face conflict is not my thing. I probably would have started crying uncontrollably and not been able to really tell her how I felt. So Im glad with my response. I think it was a good one. But I still need some reassurance from my computer buddies :)

By the way, only a couple more weeks until the next cycle begins. Let's all keep our fingers crossed that the big balloon in my ovary will be gone. Until next time...I hope everyone is doing alright.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

So Im a Fat Cow??

Oh yes, I had the pleasure today of someone telling me "You know, you have gained some weight!" Then said, "you're pregnant aren't you??!!" How about, no Im not pregnant, but yes I have gained a few pounds in the past couple of years. I mean, I havent gained that much weight!! So she then tries to cover by saying, "well, you needed to gain that weight, you were too skinny". So, Im 5'8" and weigh 140 lb. Yeah, I could stand to tone up a bit and get rid of my love handles, but I didnt think it was that noticable. At least I dont look like I did when I graduated high school at 110 lb and I was 5'8". That was too damn skinny. However, I did have the nice flat tummy that I could show off my belly button ring :). (I dont have that So, thank you very much for confirming my if I didnt have enough things to think about in my life, now I have the added pleasure of being self-conscious. Wow.

Not much else going on in my little world in Southern Indiana. DH and I had a wonderful anniversary. He got me roses :) even though we had said we werent going to do anything. We went out to eat at Red Lobster when I got home from work and when we came back home, MIL and FIL were waiting on our front porch. Always so thoughtful! So, we spent a little time talking with them and then spent the rest of the night enjoying each other. It was really nice. However, I cant say that we didnt talk a little about our journey so far, especially within the past 8 months. Hubby is okay with this. I dont think that I overdue it, which is good.

On another note, Im ready for the weekend. Nothing special planned. Just ready to be able to sit and relax and enjoy my weekend. Hubby has been on vacation all this week, so he is doing things around the house during the day (when it's not raining...) and then we will be able to again enjoy each other this weekend.

By the way, my female parts have been messing with my mind even when they dont have to. My body is so completely screwed up right now, I dont think it understands what it's doing. I had stopped AF last Thursday and was totally clear on Friday and Saturday. Then, out of the blue, cramping Sunday morning (while still camping) and a nice wonderful day of AF again. I was crampy for the next couple of days too having to take some Ibuprofen to ease the pain. Talked to the Dr in Monday's appointment and he said not to worry that my body is probably just trying to readjust again (back on BCP if you hadnt read a recent post). So, unless I have a bad result from the pap come back, Im not going to worry, but has anyone else had this before? Just curious. Especially since this is the first time its ever happened to me. Well, off to dreamland, where my world is full of sunshine and babies...haha....not quite.

Monday, July 7, 2008

And Life Goes On....One day at a time...

So this weekend was nice. It was relaxing in that I didnt think too much about everything else that has been going on. I was able to enjoy myself away from the constant reality of my Infertility. Until those people with all the damn kids right across from us showed Im just kidding, but it does get a little depressing when you see moms walking babies in strollers through the campground. Oh yeah, and I got to hear that someone else is pregnant (a friend of the family) yippy skippy. And my MIL has decided that it would be great if I ended up with quadruplets (yeah, for who??). Lets get a positive first, okay??

I had my annual visit to my Gynocologist today. The minute I walk in, I realize that Im the only one in the waiting room NOT pregnant. Oh what joy that was. And these women werent just like 4 or 5 months pregnant...they were like 8 or 9 months pregnant. Every flipping one of them, swollen ankles and all. Now what kind of torture was that?? And if that isnt bad enough, the dang chimes started playing because a baby had just been born downstairs. So, yeah, Im a bit of a Debbie Downer right now, but I think that I have every reason to be. We are going on 23 months of TTC. Well, can we really count this month since I have to be on BCP? Im doing it anyway! Yeah, 23 months is a really long ass time. Too long. I know there are lots of others who have been trying for much longer, but it's still a really long time.

So on to my annual pap. So, the initial taking of info with the nurse...I had to fill them in on everything I had been through since the last time I was there. Yeah, HSG, Laparoscopy/Hysteroscopy, Endo, shouldnt they have this shit in their records?? Apparantly not. Oh well. So, then I get to talk to my actual doctor. I do like him a lot and he has always made me feel comfortable (if that's possible in this situation). He asked how I was liking Dr. B, and what all have we been doing (again, info that he probably should have known considering their offices are just right down the hall from each other). So we talked. He gave me some good questions that I need to ask next time Im in too. Then he said as he was walking out the door, I really hope to see you again in a couple months for an OB appointment. And I said, yeah, me too and he actually gave me a hug. Which was really very comforting because that means that he really does care what is going on with his patients. And of course, he probably noticed I was on the verge of tears at one point. He actually felt human to me, which is rare with a doctor. So, needless to say, Im really glad that he is the one I get to say is my doctor.

DH and I's anniversary is tomorrow. Whoo hoo! 2 years and counting!! It has been a wonderful 2 years and we have been through a lot together. He is wonderful! He is my best friend and I really dont know what I would do without him. I couldnt have asked for anyone else!!

Alright, Im off to bed now. Sorry I didnt update last night, but I was pretty worn out after the weekend. I think Blaze has slept for 24 hours straight. It's been wonderful!! :)

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Camping Trip :)

Im ready for this weekend. Actually, way past ready. Im writing a quick blog even though Im at work right Just wanted to give everyone a heads up that I wont be back around until Sunday! Whoo hoo...I am going to enjoy my wonderfully relaxing weekend, so long as it doesnt rain all weekend. So, until Sunday. Everyone have a wonderful 4th of July weekend!!! I know I will!!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

We've hit another Bump In the Road

Oh yes. It seems like everything that could go totally opposite of what we wanted is what's happening. This cycle is cancelled before it even started!!! So, I went into the doctor today to become best friends with the wand yet again, and low and behold, my good ol' buddy finds a massively huge cyst on one of my ovaries. Yeah, that baby was like a 35. No freaking wonder I got cramps out the ass right now!!! So, Bon, looks like Im joining you in the waiting game. :) We will make it through damnit!

So Im back on BCP for this cycle so that we can make sure the monster goes away for next cycle. Im telling you it looked like someone inflated a balloon in my ovary...not cool. The nurse was like, okay, rest cycle. And the tears started flowing...go figure huh? So seriously, this sucks.