I'm sick. life is boring, taking a hiatus

I dont have a whole lot to blog about at the moment. Things have been normal around here other than this flipping sinus infection that I have. My nose is so raw that it has bled at times when I blow it...yuck! And ouch!!

There are so many of you out there that I keep up with daily who are doing IVF. Truthfully, I'm a little jealous. I wish that we could be going through IVF right now, but considering our lack of coverage, it's impossible. Oh well. I'm rooting for all of you.

I'm a little perterbed at the moment. My sister told me that I could borrow her 3 children at any time...on Fac.ebo.ok...for all the world to see. I'm pretty sure she doesn't even read my blog anymore, if so, sorry. I took a stupid little quiz that predicts how many children you are going to have, mine came out with 4, so my response was 'lets get #1 out first', which was not to imply that we are having issues with fertility. I get a comment from my sister for all of my 'friends' to see, that it will happen when it's the right time and that I can borrow 1,2,or 3 of her children anytime. Thanks, D, for letting everyone know my problems.

I think I am going to take a break from blogging for a while. There isn't much to write about considering we are not going through any treatments at the present. I will be reading everyone else's blogs that are on my list and commenting, but there won't be much activity for a while over here, unless we happen to win the lottery. Fat chance.

Those clients say the darndest things

I mean really...they crack me up sometimes. Well...long story short... Has anyone ever heard the term "Boobin it"? Because when I first heard it, I about peed my pants. It's not called breastfeeding anymore kids, it's called "boobin it", "boobin him/her", etc. and so on. Hehe. Maybe Im just the only one who gets a kick out of this, but I found it quite hilarious and it still cracks me up every time I hear this girl say it. Because she "boobed" her 2 month old for a little while. Oh goodness.

I am in baby heaven, but trying not to overstep any boundaries with my client and her new baby. It's a fine line I have to walk because I hear the comments that she makes about others when they handle the baby and it isnt to her liking. She is a very, very, very protective mother right now, which I do not think is a bad thing. She lives in a shelter with about 15 other women and children, so Im glad that she is setting rules/guidelines. I am always itching to snatch her up and hold her any chance that I get :) she is an absolutely beautiful baby.

I am so incredibly jealous.

Endometriosis Study

I came across this study with Juneau Biosciences through the LFCA yesterday. It's a study for those of us who have been surgically diagnosed with Endometriosis. It's really simple and it's for a great cause! Hopefully, they will be able to come up with a diagnostic test that can tell women whether or not they have Endometriosis without having to go through surgery.

If you are interested, or know of someone who might be, please tell them to go to this site to fill out the information. I did it and received a phone call last night from the group. It only took about 5 minutes on the phone answering a couple questions. They will be sending a kit for the genetic testing and all I have to do is give them a little saliva :). Yay for Endometriosis research!! Glad that someone is taking the initiative to help those of us suffering with this horrible disease.

**Juneau Biosciences also has a page on facebook, so go join them!!

Just how strong do you think I am?!?

Pretty damn strong it would seem! I kid you not, I am amazing myself these days! Please tell me if I am being a turd :)

I received a phone call Friday morning from one of my coworkers while on our weekly Outreach. We go under the bridges and through the woods, but not to Grandma's house. Nope, we find our clients/possible clients who are staying out on the streets on Friday mornings to make sure they are doing alright. So on with it...

The phone call that I had been waiting to get for a couple of weeks. My client was in the hospital in labor. She didn't call me (how dare her), but it's all good. So...after Outreach I headed to the hospital. She had already been given an epidural and had stopped dilating at 5cm. The doctor came in to explain her options (she had been in labor since about 11 the night before and her water had broke around midnight). He suggested they prep for a c-section, so they did. The baby was born around 1:30ish. I had left and then went back after work.

The baby is b-e-a-utiful. Absolutely adorable. She wanted me to come back today, yes, on the weekend (gasp), so I did. I was only the second person to visit her today, which is really sad. Her crazy mother (whom she didnt want to be there) was there after she had the baby. I swear she would not put that baby down and kept making her cry...not cool.

The nurses have been wonderful with my client. The ones from the nursery even brought her an adorable diaper bag filled with LOTS of goodies. And of course, I was asked if I would come back again tomorrow. How can I say no? The baby has stolen my heart with her little chubby cheeks and full head of black hair :)

**of course, it has me dreaming about the day that I will be the one with the brand new baby in the hospital... maybe one of these days.

It's what I do

I feel like I am living vicariously through my clients at the present moment. And I tell you what, it really flipping sucks! I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I am SURROUNDED by pregnant women and all things baby when I am at work. I currently have two clients who are pregnant. One client is 7 months and the other is due on Saturday. Yes, that's right, Saturday. Then, to top it off, I have another client who has 3 children and the youngest is only 2 months.

Bleh, bleh, bleh!!! I mean really. Remember that fragile little place I was talking about? Oh, it is slowly crumbling and almost burst into flames today, but it is still hanging in there. I am actually kind of proud of myself.

Since my clients do not have ANYONE else to count on, I get the job :) which, you know, is what I am there for. So guess what that means? Oh yes, Doctor office visits, WIC appointments, breastfeeding classes, handing out vouchers when we meet so they can redeem them at the Little Lambs office for cool baby things, and so on and so forth. (See, surrounded)

Today was a challenge. My client who is due on Saturday went to the Doctor and wanted me to come back with her. At the end of the appointment, they wanted to monitor the baby for a while to make sure her heartrate was good and she was moving around well. The nurse asks me if I had ever seen one of these before. I, of course, answered no. When she put the bands around my clients stomach, there it was, that little heartbeat. The tears started to well up in my eyes, but amazingly I pushed them back. And of course they had to monitor the baby for over 3o minutes, so I had to sit there and listen to that little heartbeat the whole time.

The sad part, this client has no one to be there with her when she has the baby. She is scared and rightly so. I can't even imagine being all by myself and giving birth. My other client is the same way and is really scared about having the baby by herself also. Of course, I will be there if they want me to be. That's what I do. I guess I will have to keep living vicariously through them....which, by the way, kind of sucks.

Interpreting my Dreams

I have had some of the strangest and most vivid dreams the past several nights. Some have been pretty pointless, but others might possibly have some kind of meaning. I'm not one to interpret dreams too much, usually just passing them off as another goofy dream. Two in particular have caught my attention.

~ The first one, which actually occurred last night was all about a certain friend. This friend was someone that I grew up with, literally. We were next door neighbors pretty much our entire lives until I was about 18, when we moved. She is a couple years younger than I, but we have always been like sisters and pretty much inseperable. Well, she moved away last summer to Los Angeles to pursue her dreams of cosmetology/styling/modeling. She is really starting to make things happen and I am so excited for her. She is extremely passionate about fashion and finishing cosmetology school.

I miss her. In my dream, I had went to visit her in the big city, but she was too busy to make time for me. I was mad that she did not call me, she was mad that I did not call her. There is more to the dream, but the rest is pretty goofy :) I haven't talked to her in quite a while. We chatted over Facebook a couple months ago, but that was the last I had talked to her. I think it's time to pick up the phone and call. Actually, it's past time. My dream was definitely very directive! :)

~ And the other one...Oh the other one. This occurred Saturday night and if you recall from a couple posts ago I am in a fragile place right now. It's a good place, but can be disrupted at any time. And...it's getting close to being disrupted.

I don't really remember most of the events that took place in this dream, however, I remember the end result. The end result was hubby and I with two babies a couple days apart. How does this happen you ask? Well, we were in the midst of trying to adopt and of course, find out that I am pregnant. We decide to adopt a newborn and then two days later we have our own baby. Cliche' right? Yeah, I thought so too. It's the whole "such and such adopted and then found out they were pregnant" thing. I don't like those scenarios, but then again, I do. I hate hearing about them, but I am glad that it occurs.

I really hope that my dream is telling me that I will get pregnant someday. I just don't know. And how ironic that it occurred the night before Easter?

See? Disruptions of the fragile place...

Is that a...No, It can't Be!

Yes, I actually smiled while at said baby shower...

That's my momma and someone I grew up with. She's the cousin of the baby's daddy. (mmm Mexican food) Oh...and the momma in the background...didnt realize that until after I put it here. Sorry... So, it was short and sweet with good food. My mom and B kept me sane.

A Year Ago

I figured out today that I am in a much better place than I was almost a year ago. A year ago I had just found out that I have endometriosis. A year ago I would break down in uncontrollable crying or go completely blank at any mention of a new pregnancy. A year ago finances were much easier to come by. A year ago it seemed like we would do almost anything to have a baby.

Things are definitely different now. It still really sucks that I have endo, but Lord knows there is nothing that I can do about that. It's still hard to hear about pregnancies, especially the ones that are "unplanned", but I no longer have to tell myself to snap out of that blank stare and act like you are happy for the person. (Don't get me wrong, most of the time I am happy for them, but of course not always) I don't have to run to the bathroom to hide my tears and then pretend like I am semi-okay. The finances are definitely a little tighter as we are still paying for our two IUI treatments from late summer, early fall, but it's making us put back a little extra money in other places to help prepare for IVF. We still would do anything to have a baby, but we are done trying to plan our lives around treatments. Yes, we want to do IVF and we know that it's the next step, but since our insurance does not cover Infertility at all, we have to try to save as much as we can to get to that step.

Trust me, I am not fully okay at this point, but I do know that I am better. Do I still long for that baby in my arms? Of course. Do I still want to hear those words of congratulations from friends and family? Of course. Do I still want to see those two pink lines on a HPT? Of course.

I'm not really sure how I ever got to this point, but I did. I'm okay with where I am at for now. I am sure that at some point I will probably get back to where I was a year ago, but maybe not. It's taken a long time to get where I am at today. It's a fragile place. At any moment an event, an announcement, a memory could come and shatter this place. I pray that it doesn't for my own sanity, but I know that it's a possibility.

**I managed to get through most of the baby shower. I didn't have any breakdowns or negative feelings. Of course, we left within an hour of it starting, but I did well. Shopping for the gift wasn't all that bad either. I had my few little comments here and there, but overall not too bad. I stayed strong. Thanks Sarah for thinking about me today :)

Gearing Up...

I'm gearing up for the inevitable on Saturday. I'm hoping that all will go well, but I don't know. I am attending a baby shower. The good thing is that my mom will be there with me. I haven't been to a baby shower since last summer and the outcome was disastrous. If you would like to read about it, head on over here. It really was horrific and now that I look back at it, I think I pretty much made a complete fool of myself. It was a bad time. And getting my period the day of did not help the pain.

The good thing is that we will not be there for all that long. My mother and I have to head over to a bridal shower right after. Which I'm sure will make it a lot better. I should be alright. I have been doing pretty good with all the babies and pregnant ladies I have been around lately. In fact, I have two clients right now who are both pregnant. One is about to have her baby any day, the other is not due until the beginning of June. So, overall, I feel like I am handling my issues much better.

I still need to call my Dr.'s office and inform them it is going to be a while before IVF and I need to know what to do with the medication that I have left over. It would be really cool if they last longer than what the label actually says they do, because then maybe they will last until we decide we can afford to do IVF. We will see.