A Year Ago

I figured out today that I am in a much better place than I was almost a year ago. A year ago I had just found out that I have endometriosis. A year ago I would break down in uncontrollable crying or go completely blank at any mention of a new pregnancy. A year ago finances were much easier to come by. A year ago it seemed like we would do almost anything to have a baby.

Things are definitely different now. It still really sucks that I have endo, but Lord knows there is nothing that I can do about that. It's still hard to hear about pregnancies, especially the ones that are "unplanned", but I no longer have to tell myself to snap out of that blank stare and act like you are happy for the person. (Don't get me wrong, most of the time I am happy for them, but of course not always) I don't have to run to the bathroom to hide my tears and then pretend like I am semi-okay. The finances are definitely a little tighter as we are still paying for our two IUI treatments from late summer, early fall, but it's making us put back a little extra money in other places to help prepare for IVF. We still would do anything to have a baby, but we are done trying to plan our lives around treatments. Yes, we want to do IVF and we know that it's the next step, but since our insurance does not cover Infertility at all, we have to try to save as much as we can to get to that step.

Trust me, I am not fully okay at this point, but I do know that I am better. Do I still long for that baby in my arms? Of course. Do I still want to hear those words of congratulations from friends and family? Of course. Do I still want to see those two pink lines on a HPT? Of course.

I'm not really sure how I ever got to this point, but I did. I'm okay with where I am at for now. I am sure that at some point I will probably get back to where I was a year ago, but maybe not. It's taken a long time to get where I am at today. It's a fragile place. At any moment an event, an announcement, a memory could come and shatter this place. I pray that it doesn't for my own sanity, but I know that it's a possibility.

**I managed to get through most of the baby shower. I didn't have any breakdowns or negative feelings. Of course, we left within an hour of it starting, but I did well. Shopping for the gift wasn't all that bad either. I had my few little comments here and there, but overall not too bad. I stayed strong. Thanks Sarah for thinking about me today :)