Im ready....

For a job change. Im getting burnt out. And why may you ask? Well, when I wake up every day and am getting ready for work...the one thing that goes through my mind every morning is that work is the last place that I want to be. It's not because Im lazy...because if that were the case, I wouldnt also be a guard instructor every other evening of the week.

Ive been searching the paper and our state website...and there hasnt been anything. The other problem with my place of employment, is that we are the lowest paid Social Workers in our city. I kid you not. It really doesnt help that we are funded by grants alone, but still...come on. Times are changing...cost of living is steadily increasing. Lets get on the band wagon shall we?

So needless to say, Im looking. Im looking quite a bit. The sooner I find another job, probably will be for the better. Don't get me wrong, I love working with most of the clients, but beating your head against the same dang wall over and over because there arent any services for this person and there arent enough for this person...really tiresome. I also dont really enjoy my new supervisor. We had a recent change beginning of this summer...and it's not going well at all. It was supposed to be temporary, but I think it's going to be more permanent from now on. So...

Next subject please... :) I want you to meet my beautiful guard girls! Here are some pictures of the whole crew and some of them performing. If you go here: http://www.indianamarching.com/bands/index.php?type=Band&school=North%20Posey&city=Poseyville you will be able to see a few videos from last year's marching season (2007).

This is the whole crew. That includes me, my two guard techs, and my six girls. This was right before their wonderful performance for Best Guard!

Warmups

During a performance...they didnt have all of their work for weapons, so they werent spinning here...oh well! :) These are my four upperclassmen who I have been working with for the past 3 years (three of them were freshmen when I started). I love these girls and wouldnt trade them for anything!

So that's just something for your viewing pleasure. If you do view the video...make sure you look at the one from 10/20/07...that is from State Finals in the RCA Dome.

Im back

And feeling better! Whoo hoo! It's nice to be able to function during the day :) Actually, Saturday I felt much better all day! I had some minor cramping, but other than that, I was good. Friday was just a really bad day for the cramping. But Im good now and Im ready for this month!! ;)

So I read a post from Life In a Holding Pattern and she talked about intimacy with your partner. I thought that maybe I would just touch on this a bit. It has been really hard to keep the intimacy up when TTC. I think that the more we have to go through with treatments, the harder it seems to be. The other factor we have working against us right now is that hubby is on 2nd shift and Im an 8-5er. Well, then of course I spend most of my evenings teaching colorguard 30 min from my house. So, by the time hubby gets home from work Im sound asleep with Blaze and he's too tired to do anything too. So, most of our time for intimacy is on the weekends...when he doesnt have to work that overtime. That really doesnt always work out so well for us. Im trying, I really am. This month Im going to try a lot harder since we wont have the stress of the IUI's on our shoulders. Im close enough that if I wanted to, I could run home for "lunch" to spend some time with my hubby. What do they call those, Nooners, I think :). Haha...but you know, I hate planning our intimacy. I dont think it's something that should have to be planned, but apparantly, it does. And that kind of sucks.

On a different note, we had our Band Invitational this past Saturday. We hosted it, so we didnt have to worry about going anywhere. Which was nice. The band did really well, even though we werent actually being judged with the rest of the bands. I think the show is going to do very well this year :) and Im pretty excited for the next few weeks. The first weekend in October is our District contest, then another invitational, then Regionals, Semi-State, and hopefully State in the brand new Lucas Oil Stadium in Indy. We have been to state for the past 5 years in a row, so we are hoping for 6! It is going to be a great season.

So, I am doing the ICLW this month. Im already slacking a bit. I didnt get my comments in yesterday, but I promise that I will do better the rest of the week! :) I will be playing catch up today. As soon as I get a chance to!

I was asked how Blaze is doing....he is doing just fine. We had an issue with his toe last week on his front right paw. It was really red and inflamed, so we took him to the vet because it was looking pretty bad (he had also lost all the hair between his toes). He was put on a really expensive antibiotic for the possible infection (the vet couldnt tell if there was something in it, or if it was just an infected scratch), well, he is getting much better now. After the swelling went down and he let me inspect it, I thought I had found something in it, but it turns out it was a clump of hairs that were just causing some irritation. At least that is my diagnosis. Im not a vet by any means, but it is definitely clearing up after I did some minor removing of hairs with the tweezers. :) So he is getting much better. He has a birthday coming up too in October..he will be 3 years old! He gets a new collar and leash every year...this year will be camoflauge. I will post pictures after the 13th :)

And She Returns...

In all her glory. Even sent me home early from work today. Old Aunty decided she was going to hit me mid-morning pretty much without any warning, which is really odd because I usually have a lot of warning...spotting, back ache, etc. My cramps were pretty bad today, so I came home early from work because I really thought I was going to get physically sick at one point. Havent had that issue for a while now.

So we begin our next cycle. Hubby is still doing really well with no alcohol. However, he still refuses to wear a mask at work. Im praying that just the abstinence from alcohol will do the trick. We shall see.

Waiting (im)patiently

Yes, that's right. I am on CD 32 starting today. This is most of the time unusual for me, but not always. Of course, I have been almost 2 weeks late before (a couple times actually) and we all know the end result of that one. No, I have not taken a test yet. Hubby has already asked me that this morning. Let me just tell you, Im scared. Because records indicate that really, I dont have the best luck in this department as we all know. So Im just waiting....impatiently.

Found out some news yesterday that would definitely not make me the odd man out in my family anymore. Yes, Im not the only one who might possibly have Endometriosis. (Well, we all know that I have it) So, it's not cool that we are just finding out now that this probably runs in the family. Really wish I would have known this earlier. Oh well, what are you going to do. It would have just explained a whole heck of a lot of things. Mind you, it took my mother 5 years to have me after she had my brother. Hmmm....do we see a slight connection?? My sister is 7 years older than I, so I mean.... Well, nothing was ever done to see if there was a reason my mother was having trouble, so we will never know.

Im ready for the weekend....

I Really Just Don't Understand At All

As I have said before, I am a Social Worker, and I work with Homeless individuals and families to get housing so they can become more self-sufficient. If you remember, I have definitely talked about how challenging this job is almost on a daily basis for me. I have the pleasure of being the only caseworker in our agency (there are only 4 of us total right now) to go to one of our family shelters in the city (which really only holds 4 families total). Im sure this is going to make several people a little upset, so if you wish to read on, do, but dont say I didnt warn you. :)

A couple weeks ago, after only working with a family for about a week or so, they tell me that she is late. Late for what I ask (knowing full well the answer). Late for her period. Okay. I can handle this. How late are you? I ask. She says only a couple days and she has taken a test. She says that at first it was negative, but it changed to positive shortly after, so she isnt sure.

Okay... I just want you to know that this couple has 4, yes I repeat, 4 little girls already. Their ages you ask...7, 6, 2, and 7 months. My reaction to this newly highlighted information? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?! I wont tell you the response I got from him. Okay... so I run through the laundry list of questions. Were you not using condoms? He's allergic. There are other kinds that do not have latex, which another agency can help you get. What about BCP? My doctor doesnt believe in BC. Okay, you need another doctor then honey, because this is the 21st century and there are plenty of others who will prescribe it. I mean really...come on. What about P.lann.ed Pa.re.nth.ood? She tells me she has never heard of it. Now that, I find really hard to believe. So I tell them to go to the local health department to get another test done asap and then get back with me.

Two weeks pass and I saw them again on Monday. And guess what...she's pregnant, for sure. Well yippey fucking doo dah. What the H!!!! She at least got herself an appointment with a doctor. So...this is what pisses me off! These families who already can not provide for the ones they have, yet are bringing another baby into this hell they are in. This is the hard part of my job. Because I have to keep working with them, making sure everything they do is thinking about the future. I know Im being selfish when I say this, but damnit, when is it going to be my turn to have good news, knowing that I can actually provide for a baby when one comes into this world with hubby and I. I dont understand why I am being put through this, having to face such instances pretty much on a daily basis. It just plain sucks!

Oh yeah...the other thing. Why in the hell do I keep getting baby shit in the mail. Does this happen to anyone else?? Out of the blue, B.ab.y's R. U.s sends me this small catalog filled with coupons for up to like $30 off of things in their store. I mean really, give me a break. And today, I get something else about some Mother's Club thing. Hello, not me, no baby, no preggo. Let's just dig the wounds a little bit deeper shall we? They were even starting to heal a little bit from last cycle. AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! That's all I have to say. I want to scream at the top of my lungs for all the frustration that I have over this.

I told Sister M today that I just want to know why He feels that putting me through all of this is a good thing. I really just dont understand at all. Her response, "I wish He would fill you in too".

Enjoying the Moments that I Can

This has been a pretty good weekend so far. Friday night was spent at my old high school with my guard girls for the Football game. They had a good performance. Saturday we had a long practice and then contest in the evening. It ended very well! We placed first in our class, Best Drum Major, Best Percussion, and Best Auxillary (guard). Our busy, hard week paid off! And I definitely made it a point to tell them that...they were very tired Saturday before the contest after only having one evening last week to themselves. But they were really excited when they heard their results. I was really excited also!

Today, Im just messing around on the computer. DH is working tonight so Im here trying to relax in preparation for another busy week. Hopefully not as busy as last week, but Im sure it will be close.

Follow-up from the Dr. appointment. Hubby is very willing to do the 90 days without alcohol, but not willing to wear a mask at work for 90 days. He says he tried it, but it gets way too hot for him to do it and he cant breathe. Im not sure what my feelings are on this. He's convinced that just the alcohol will fix the problem. Im being the pessimistic one. Im not so sure that I agree with him on this. I dont know. Ive tried bribing him with various things; a new X-Box (the really good one, because his broke) and various other things I wont go into detail about ;). But it doesnt seem to be working. Im not sure what to do.

Im not looking forward to the next few months. Yeah, Im staying busy with my girls (I really feel like a 2nd mother to them at times), but the holidays are fast approaching. Which brings on seeing new babies pretty much on all sides of the family but one. Yeah, three newborns by Christmas. Im not gonna lie, it's going to be hard.

So today is CD 28. I know she's coming, it's just a matter of when. I dont have my usual signs or symptoms, but I know she will soon be visiting in all her glory. We will just have to wait and see when that happens this month.

Good for Me...

Yet, bad for him...

I went to my Doctor appointment today and was super prepared with all my questions in tow. Written down on two nice little sheets of paper to reference if I were to forget one of them. When the Doctor came in, he was just as prepared as I was :), which made me very happy. Here's a rundown of the visit...

Him - "I see you have some questions for me, so lets get started"
Me - "Well, I was really wanting to know if you had any ideas as to why the past two cycles, especially this last one, did not work."
Him - Immediately opens my chart and pulls out his pen. He starts thumbing through DH's SA from the samples he gave for the inseminations. Basically in a nut shell he informs me that DH's morphology is not where it should be, which is what is causing the lack of pregnancy. He was going through all of his numbers (very confusing I might add, especially as fast as he was talking) and saying that he is below normal on almost all of them. He then informs me that all of my hormone levels, egg quality/maturity, have been excellent. He states that he couldnt ask for a better response from me (whoo hoo!).
Me - "So, what exactly might influence the morphology? DH works out daily and takes some supplements (that I named), would that have anything to do with it?"
Him - "No. However, if he is taking any stimulants before he works out to get his energy up, then that would effect."
Me - "Im pretty sure he doesnt do that. I think I have threatened him pretty much with his life if he goes to that measure."
Him - "Alcohol could be a factor also. Even if he doesnt drink all the time. If he has a beer when he gets home from work, or when you go out to eat, or even just chatting with friends, that could definitely make a difference."

**Sidenote** We have totally discussed this in depth since like Day 1 of TTC. He had even done his research and found it out for himself. What guy doesnt like to have a few beers when they are watching some sports event on tv? Or after they mow the lawn? Yeah, Im sure there are MANY that do. So on with the appointment...

Him - "Tell him to go 90 days without having a drink and then we will see what happens. You may even get pregnant on your own. Another factor could be chemicals that he breathes in, smoke (even if he doesnt smoke) can effect, and also if he is around someone smoking marijuana."
Me - "You said breathing in chemicals? DH works at a plastics plant here in e-ville and has for over 4 years now. It is more than likely effecting him?"
Him - "Yes. We have done a few studies....blah, blah....and found that most men who work in that industry have trouble TTC. He needs to start wearing a mask every day for the next 90 days and then we will see what happens."
Me - "DH doesnt wear a mask I dont think. We will definitely have a nice long discussion about this."

So...as I said, good for me, but bad for him. Basically, without blaming, it's hubby's fault. And that really sucks! However, now that we have some answers to what may be causing it, we may be able to somewhat fix it. That's positive. So after the 90 days, if we arent pregnant on our own, Im supposed to call and let him know so that I go back on BCP. He was highly insistent on this at the end because my endo will start to come back before too long and he wants to keep it at bay as best he can.

And the last question I asked was about how long we could wait to do another cycle. He said that it didnt matter how long we waited that I was responding well with everything. He said they may even lower the hormone levels in the injections I was doing. Then he went back to saying that DH needed to have the 90 days under his belt when we do decide to come back if we dont get pregnant on our own, otherwise, we would have to think about IVF. Ha! Yeah, cant afford that at all. It would be several years before we could do that, unless I switch jobs to a State job where I can get the fertility insurance coverage (which Im trying to do anyway!).

Im ready to be extremely proactive about this. Im just scared that hubby may not be quite as proactive as I am. He really likes his beer during football season. And I cant monitor him 24/7. I am just going to have to trust that he will do what the Doctor suggests. Im gonna keep a calendar and maybe do some special things for him if he does both of these after so many days. If you have any ideas, throw them my way!! Im up for whatever :)

Did I mention I absolutely love my Doctor? He is super nice and took all the time that I needed today to make sure to answer all of my questions. I also really love the office staff. They are wonderful! They are always so nice and every time I walk in the door, the receptionist knows exactly who I am. Im really glad that I was referred to Dr. B. Hunger has hit me...I need to go eat something for supper.

A little of this and that

I know that I had a few people worried recently with my last post. I really was having a bad day. Yes, Im better. However, I still feel like Im stuck. Im awaiting Wednesday when I can hopefully get some much needed possible answers from my Doctor about what may have happened with my last cycle. I guess Im just still really confused. Im hanging in there though. Just a little mild, situational depression. I think we all go through this at some point in our lives. (Uh oh, Im diagnosing myself now, never a good sign)

I go to the Doctor on Wednesday afternoon. I have started out my nice long list of questions that I will be asking. I hope he is prepared to meet with me for a while. I will try to make it quick, but no guarantees. I already have a full page, front and back, of questions. I left spaces after so that I can write down some of his answers just in case I forget. My short term memory is not the greatest. So I will be prepared and I hope he is prepared with my charts right in front of him for reference.

I have been reading ' A Few Good Eggs '. I am really enjoying it and learning a few things along the way that I really did not realize. It was definitely a great purchase. Im not very far right now though, so I am sure there is lots that I will still be learning. When I pick it up, I cant put it down for a while. Which, I guess, is a good thing. Like I said, Im learning a lot as I read.

My girls (and the band) had an excellent performance for their first contest this weekend. We only had one other band in our class, but we took first place. It was a little disheartening to hear that we did not get best guard, but we will be okay. Hopefully that will motivate them to work even harder this week so that we can pull that off for contest this Saturday. We will have much more competitive bands in our class at this next contest, so the entire band will have to step it up in order to place 1st again. Marching season is underway!

That's all I got for now. Life is crazy busy now that marching season has really kicked in gear. I definitely wont be posting as often as I had been. I will make sure to update everyone on my visit with my doctor on Wednesday. I hope he does not rush me along so that I can ask all the questions I want to ask.

Stuck

Im stuck in a rut and I feel like I am drowning. It feels like I am suffocating. I dont know what to do to get out of it. It just kind of hit me like a huge truck. Im so angry today. I have no idea what my deal is. Which makes me even more frustrated. Today is just not a good day at all.

Im really glad that it's Friday because I think if I had to go through another day of work, I would rip out my hair. Okay, maybe it's my job. I find myself getting extremely frustrated at the smallest things and losing my patience very, very quickly with some of my coworkers. I feel like Im being super negative all the time, but I dont know what else to do to make it better. So again, Im stuck.

That's where my life is right now. Stuck in a constant state of anger and sadness. Anger over the fact that we are so much in debt with all of this that it really scares me. Anger because I dont understand why this is happening to us. Sadness because we may never be able to have the family we so desperately want.

I have found that I put on a wonderful act when it is needed. Throw on the smiles when everyone asks how things are going, but deep down inside is another story. There's a lot of pain. Pain that isnt going away.

Another Cycle Slowly Drifts Along

I was bored last night so I decided to go to Barnes and Noble and see about finding me a good book to read. I found the book 'A Few Good Eggs'. Im sure others have heard of it. Im liking it so far. If anyone has any other suggestions for books make sure to throw them my way. I enjoy a really good book every now and then.

Crazy, splitting headache all day today. It really has not been good at all. When I was getting ready for work this morning, I started to see spots and had some blurred vision in my right eye. Yeah, sounds like I was starting to get a migraine. I havent had a migraine in several years. I think my last one was in 2003 or so. They were so bad I had to stay in bed the whole day with the covers over my head to block out any light. That was a really, really stressful summer for me too. We had moved mid-summer after we had been in my childhood house since I was born (I was 19 by then), due to certain circumstances. It was just not a good summer at all. So maybe this headache is telling me that I need to slow it down and relax or else. I dont know. I still have a slight headache, but one of my coworkers gave me a wonderful massage just a little bit ago and it seemed to help a little. I also went home for my lunch break and made hubby rub my head, feet, and back :).

The marching band that I have been helping with all summer has their first contest this Saturday. The girls are really nervous I think. Im really nervous too. I would love to keep our reputation of being one of the best guard in Southern Indiana in our class. Last year, I think there was only one contest where the girls did not get Best Guard. They were pretty devastated. So Im hoping we can pull it off this year with an undefeated streak. That would be awesome! Im struggling with a couple new girls in getting them to understand it all, but Im hoping by mid-season it will finally just click on like a light bulb. That usually is what happens with the freshmen. So Im pretty excited. It should be a good weekend.

I am midcycle right now. Not really sure what day I am on. I have no earthly idea if I ovulated or not. That's kind of sad. I just havent been paying attention at all. Honestly, Im past the point of caring for this month. Im just waiting for my appointment with my Dr. so that I can ask all my questions. Which by the way, still need to be written out so that I dont forget them. I go in on the 10th in the afternoon. Im really hoping that he has some kind of answers for me. Just give me something!! Im still dead set against going back on birth control if that is what he wants me to do until we go through with our 3rd IUI cycle. I just really feel that it defeats the entire purpose of everything! Any thoughts? If so, please let me know.

So I know that every RE is different in the methods they prefer, but sometimes when I read blogs about the same thing I am doing, I dont much see that others are doing anything similar. It makes me a little uneasy at times. I have a friend who basically laid down the law with her RE and told him exactly what she wanted and what she thought and now, that's pretty much what's happening. I know my RE knows what he is doing and I know that everyone is different when it comes to what works with their body/cycle, but it still makes me wonder if my RE is really taking the time to review all of my bloodwork, my ultrasounds, etc. Im gonna ask at this next appointment. He needs to review my bloodwork and ultrasounds with me. He also needs to talk about my pain in the ass cervix that we have had so many problems with. I need some answers before I go insane!! Ahhh!! Okay...Im better.

Oh...baby alert. My cousin who wasnt due for another 4 weeks...had her baby this past weekend. The big problem that I have with this...she isnt married and wants nothing to do with the father of the baby...because apparantly he's a little taken and by taken, I mean ring on the finger. Im sure Im going to get shit for this from my family members who are reading this, but I dont care. It really, really pisses me off. It could be jealousy, yes, but Im more pissed than anything. I mean, really, what is up with that?? How does this happen to those who arent even thinking about TTC, but those of us who are and are having problems...we are S.O.L. (shit out of luck for those of you who werent quite sure about that).

Okay...so maybe Im just a little angry about my situation. Hey, I think I have every right to be at this point. I have another cousin due in October who I never even know if she is with the father or not. It varies from week to week. They already have one together, but apparently havent figured out what causes it. Last I knew, they were no longer together again, but who knows today. Okay...I need to stop. Im sounding like a raging lunatic. It's just been building for so long, I needed to vent. Please dont judge. Im usually not like this at all. Im just really, really flipping frustrated.

We are back from yet another wonderful weekend of camping. I dont have many pictures to post from this trip because I just didnt take that many, but what I do have, I will post here in a bit! :)

So the major thing that I hate about camping is when you get home, the laundry is horrible! Not only does EVERYTHING smell like campfire, but you have to wash pretty much everything that you took with you when you get home. Therefore, I am still doing laundry well through the week following our weekend. So, yes, the laundry is still waiting for me as I write...

This is my baby (Blaze) during one of our nice long walks. So to answer a couple questions from my last post, yes Blaze goes with us, and yes he loves camping. Well at least I think he does. He is always so worn out by the end of our weekend all he wants to do is sleep. And the guy way up in the distance...that's my hubby and his sexy butt ;) And yes, when we go on trails, Blaze is so good about staying with us he doesn't have to stay on his leash.

This is Blaze after our hike on Saturday. He still had several walks to get through for the rest of the weekend. He tuckers out so quickly :) The funny part is by the time we go to bed he is so ready for sleep that he practically begs us to go to bed earlier. We cheat with our camping too, we have a pop-up camper (that we bought for really cheap from a family friend) with air conditioning. So we sometimes take him in during the really hot days to cool off a little in the air. Poor guy has an all black coat. We have definitely had our fair share of tent camping too, I promise! We had to buy an 8 person tent a few years ago because Blaze was closterphobic (sp?) in our 4 person. That was not a fun weekend!

Oh yes...I got to see my "friend" (the one that I broke down at her baby shower back in June) while camping. She had her baby. He is 3 weeks old. They came down just for the night I think to stay with her in-laws. It was awkward. Didnt really know what to say to her. Especially when she told me that she has Postpartum Depression and cries all the time. I told her join the crowd, only mine isnt from having a baby, obviously. She was telling me about how little sleep she gets at night and that she doesnt ever want to take him anywhere for fear of exposing him to germs. I just listened. All I could really say was he was beautiful.

And that's that. Im all out of things to talk about! :)