Still not really feeling it...

The Holiday Cheer that is. Yes, I have had a wonderful Christmas celebrating with family that I do not get to see that often, but Im still pretty bummed. Last night and today were exceptionally hard. Last night at one family event we had 8 kids with the age ranges of 2 months to 11 years. Yes, 5 of those were my nieces and nephews, but still. Then today we had, oh my goodness, kids from the age of 4 months to 11. There were 11 kids on this side of the family in that range. A little overwhelming because most of them were under the age of 4! Talk about a heartbreaker...

Oh by the way...2 more pregnancy announcements on top of that. One due in June and the other due in July. Bummer.

**For a few people that read my blog and get a little confused, I have included a link on the sidebar that takes you to the abbreviations. Sorry bout that S!

Can you please tell me where I can find some Holiday Cheer?

Since everyone has been asking and I havent updated in a few days, my neice and I had a wonderful time on Friday!! We only had a couple episodes. One being that Blaze got a little too rough and decided to knock her down. He just doesnt quite understand that with little ones he has to be more careful. He will hopefully be able to learn one of these days. The other was, Aunt Meghann didnt have any fun bath toys for Emmy to play with. You would have thought it was the end of the world! (**Note to self-invest in bath toys for future!) Other than that we had a great time. It was short, but it was fun.

Emmy refused to go to sleep until Blaze decided to lay down with her. It was kind of funny. She wanted me to shut the door with him in the room so that they could go to sleep :) Pretty cute if you ask me. But then, she decided she didnt know how to go to sleep, so I told her that I bet she could figure it out if she just closed her eyes :) And guess what?? It worked! Hmm!

Saturday night we had Christmas with my Mom, Dad, my sister and her family, and my brother and his family. Hubby had to work though :( So here is a picture of my beautiful neices and nephews!! The redhead is the one that I watched on Friday night.

So, Im sure you can guess why I would be just a little depressed right now. My brother and sister have both completed their families and I have yet to have even one new addition. It makes me feel worthless, like I have nothing to contribute. So, of course I have been a little depressed for the past few days.

Last night, I think, was the worst. I called my mom and they were all having dinner at my g-ma's house. She told me I could come over, but it felt like she was only saying that because I had called. Which, really, that is the only reason. The phone would not have been picked up to invite me otherwise. So I refused and she said that she would see me tomorrow (today). Then she told me to find my "Holiday Cheer". I informed her that I didnt really have any holiday cheer for this year. I was told that I had to make myself find it. Gee, thanks for your support, mom.

Hanging up the phone, I realized that I am just a little bit more down in the dumps than I had thought. Fantastic. Im trying, I really am. I dont want to be depressed, but I definitely cant help it.

CD36??!!!!???!!!

I called the Dr's office today to inform them that I was starting CD36 today and I still have yet to feel any different. They had me go in and get some bloodwork done. The awesome thing, I was in and out within 10 min.

Well, just doing my bloodwork scared the shit out of AF because she is here. And dangit, she is being a pain already! So, of course my bloodwork showed that I was not pregnant and if I didnt start my period within the next few days, I was going to have to fill a prescription for Premarin (i think that's how you spell it). Well, none of that will be going on. AF has reered her ugly head.

Now I definitely know there is no mistake that I could be pregnant. Looks like I might be spending some personal time with the heating pad tonight.

I get to babysit my neice tonight also. This is my sister's daughter. She is adorable and I dont get to see them that often because they live in North Carolina. She has been here for a couple of weeks staying with my mom while my sister recovered from her partial hysterectomy. Not sure what we will do tonight, but we will find something!

At the End of My Rope

CD35....still nothing. POAS yet again this morning and still a Big Fucking Negative. My body is playing tricks on me again. As I said before, I havent had this problem since before I had my surgery. So, yes, Im scared that my endo is definitely coming back. And yes, it obviously messes with my cycle since I had been regular since my surgery. I have had a little spotting today, so I know that it's coming, it's just a matter of when.

I dont know if I can keep doing this. It just feels like we arent ever going to get there. Emotionally, Im not sure if I can handle it anymore.

New Decor

Just wanted everyone to know that I have decorated my blog for Christmas :) Whoo hoo! As you can see, I am a little bored at work right now. We are trying to decide what we would like for lunch today.

Spoke with the nurse at my Dr. office. Im supposed to wait a couple more days, and if AF has not shown, then I have to call back in and they will do some bloodwork and then see if they need to force my period to start. Not cool. So that's all I know for now, I still feel the same as I did earlier.

CD 33?!?!?

Yes, you read that correctly. I am currently on CD33. The b*tch AF has yet to show her ugly face. And no, Im not pregnant. I have taken two HPT. One on CD27 and the other on CD33 (oh wait, that was this morning), and both were BFN's. This scares me. Because I have a really bad feeling that it means that my endometriosis is back again with a vengeance. Im usually a 27/28 day cycler. Since I had my surgery back at the end of February, I have been regular. There were a couple months where I would go to day 29, but never longer. So, yes, Im terrified.

Im calling Dr. B today to let them know, but Im sure they will just say wait it out. Not really sure what to do from here. Im just waiting. I have yet to have any symptoms saying that AF is arriving. Of course, she usually launches a surprise attack anyway. I usually get some hints, but nothing this time. Rrrrrrrrrr!!!!! This is soooo frustrating!

On a another note, I am still not done with my Christmas shopping. I only have a few more people to get though. Two of them being gift cards. Hopefully I will be finishing that within the next couple of days. Mixed in with work, teaching colorguard, wrapping the other gifts I already have, etc. You know, that nice busy schedule.

What Happens Next??

Hubby had his SA on Monday. We went back to the doctor today to review the results and talk a little more about what happens next. Hubby's results came back pretty much the same as they were for the last IUI cycle we did. Nothing has changed. DH spent 90 days alcohol free and nothing to really show for it. I guess at least we know that hasn't had any effect on him. Dr. B said it wouldnt be necessary for him to do another 90 days before our next cycle (whenever that may be) since there was not a change. The count is around 9 million I believe.

Lets answer the question of what happens next...Well, that's a good question because, you see, right now we are at a stand still. I am at the end of my cycle waiting for AF to come, but praying that she wont show her ugly face. There hasn't been any sign of her to this point. I usually have spotting a few days before she comes and I've had nothing. I guess we will see.

So back to the question...we wait for one. After we have waited and if AF does show up, which honestly Im not expecting anything different, then we will start saving our pennies. Yes, that's right, all of them. Now, the big question is do we do another IUI cycle and throw $3000 down the drain if it doesnt work or do we wait and keep saving up for a (at least) $13,000 IVF cycle? Hmmm.....pondering. Hubby doesnt think we should do another IUI. He is now being the pessimistic one (which doesnt help because that's my job!).

If this is another busted cycle, Im back on BCP's until we decide where we will go from here. I know how the IUI's work, so I got the information on IVF. I dont want to have to go there. Not only does our insurance not pay for any of it, we will also have to travel 3 hours away for the actual procedures (Indianapolis).

Today was the first time that I have apologized to my DH. I apologized for being broken. For not being able to give him what we want. He didnt say anything. Today was the first day in a couple months that I have cried over my IF. We might get through this...only time will tell.

So What Would You Like for Christmas??

You would think that as many times as I have been asked this recently, I would have come up with something better than.....Uhhhhh....ummmm...I don't know? But I honestly at this point in time do not have any "needs" or "wants". Well, I do have one thing that I want, but that really cant be given to me by my MIL or my Grandma very easily. Yep, hubby has to be the big player in that game :)

I almost feel like I have to explain myself for why I cant come up with something that I would like to have for Christmas this year. My MIL called today to ask about my hubby's wish list and then proceeds to say, "You really havent given me any ideas this year yet. Is there anything you would like to have?" My response....uhhhh....ummmm....I don't know. I mean, I dont really need anything and there isnt really anything material wise that I cant go without out. What I want for Christmas you cant really help out with. By the way, my MIL is the most understanding woman I have probably ever met in my life. I love her. She gets it. By the way....she had endometriosis also.

Im sure Im not the only one who has these same feelings. It's just going to be really hard if I have to spend the holidays knowing that we have had yet another unsuccessful cycle and Im back on the BCP's. The holiday season is all about being with family. Im ready to start our own family traditions. That really is what it's all about.

DH goes in on Monday for another SA. We both get to meet with Dr. B on Wednesday. We will review the analysis and hopefully our results will be much better. DH's 90 days are up on Monday. Im sure he will be cracking open a few as soon as he can. He has done really, really well!

Weekend in Chicago!

It's been a week since I have posted anything! It's been pretty busy in my neck of the woods for the past several days. We had a full day with family on Thanksgiving and it was pretty good. I managed to hold it together with the babies. No rushing out of the room. There was one point at the first family get together where I had to fight the tears back, but we werent really there long, so I was able to hold it together. I was fine with the other baby. No tears! Hubby even made a comment on the way home that I held it together well.

Then on Friday it was off to see my friend J, who lives about an hour from Chicago. We had a busy weekend! However, it was wonderful! Im so glad we were able to take the weekend to go visit. I hadnt seen my friend in almost a year!! Way too long for both of us! We vowed to make sure that it wasnt that long for the next visit. Our schedules have just conflicted way too much for the past year, we couldnt ever find a time that would work for both of us. Craziness I swear!

Well, we spent all day Saturday in Chicago, which was wonderful! I hadnt really had an opportunity to see the city before, so it was nice to enjoy the day. I have included some pictures for your viewing pleasure!

This is hubby and I taking our first train ride into Chicago. We were kind of excited...it was new! :) And DH now has a cold because he thought he was being all macho not having to bundle up with gloves or a hat while we were in the windy city. It was cold! Not cold enough that we were miserable, but it was cold. I have no sympathy for him! :)

Oh yes...he is getting really excited because he has less than a week left for his 90 days. However, what he doesnt know is that he will be getting another SA soon, which means it will probably be more than the 90 days of no alcohol. Haha...Im evil I know! I just want to see if not drinking for the 90 days really made a difference or not. We wont know for a couple more days after that if we have any great Christmas news or not.

Sorry, this post is a little jumpy...so on with the pictures! We made a stop at Millennium Park while in the windy city. It was really cool. While in the area, we took pictures with the Bean (a really cool artistic thing that really looks like a giant bean for those who have not seen it-See pictures).

We also made a trip to a place called Oven Grinders. It was FABULOUS!! The food was awesome. It of course, was a pizza place. But their pizzas were in the form of pot pies. They also had a really good Mediterranean bread. Mmmmm!! Mouth wateringly good!

The skating rink right by Millenium Park which has the logo for Chicago being a candidate for the 2016 Olympics. It was packed! Way too many people to even try to ice skate if you wanted to. I would have been super-claustrophobic...and I dont get that way easily!

We then headed to Navy Pier. Which by the way, was really pretty because they had it all decorated for Christmas. Well, the whole entire city was decorated for it and it was beautiful!! They had pretty much every tree decorated with white lights and also holly and other wintery plants all in the bushes around the city. It really was an awesome day all around! We had a blast! It was nice to get away for a weekend and just enjoy being us.

This was really long, but I havent posted for way too long (a week!), so it's alright. Hope you enjoyed the pictures. I have lots more, but that would have been craziness!

By the way, I failed miserably with ICLW this month. I am so incredibly sorry for that. I wanted to tell everyone who commented on my blog thank you so much! I WILL do better for December! I promise :)