And we try again...

I go back to the doctor tomorrow morning. Hopefully everything will be alright and we can get this next cycle rolling. I will have to do the injections again Im sure, but maybe they will start me out on a higher dosage of the Gonal-F pen than they did last time. I was started out on 75, but they increased it to 150 after the first 5 days. That's when my follicles really took off. So, it would be nice to have a couple more mature little guys so that maybe we will have a better chance of making this one succeed. As I said earlier, we cant afford to do another IUI cycle.

I really dont want to get my hopes up again, but I know that it's going to be virtually impossible for me not to. Especially if there is more than one good size follicle. I really, really, really hope that everything works out this cycle. Im so far past ready for all of this to just be over. The emotional rollercoaster is a pain in the ass. And I've been riding for too damn long.

That's really all Ive got right now. I will update tomorrow afternoon/night if possible. Im still off work tomorrow, so that's going to be nice. I definitely should have called in today, but didnt. Oh well. Until tomorrow...

I dont know if I can do this....

I dont know if I can do another cycle and have it end up the same as the last 22 cycles. Ive been pretty emotional all day long. Baby shower was a joke. I took a deep breath right before I walked in, and there she was, in all her baby glory and as soon as I hugged her, it all came crashing down. I started bawling. I think I freaked her out a little bit. I told her that I was sorry, but that this was going to be really hard for me (I havent told her about anything that is going on, considering how close we have been...ha). So, I regained my composure without darting out the door and leaving. Walked in and sat by myself. However, she actually came and sat by me, which really shocked me. I did leave early though because I needed to get to a family gathering. As I was leaving, I filled her in a little bit and told her that AF decided to come to town today. She then said, "it's just not in God's will right now. Everything happens when it's his will." Yeah, I definitely could have punched her in the face for that comment. So, then to add salt to the wound she says, "You just need to be patient, your time will come." WTF!!!!!!!????? Are you freaking kidding me??!! I told her that was easier said than done and I left.

Just want everyone to know that my best friend is the greatest. I called her as soon as I left (she was the one who told me I shouldnt go in the first place, she was right). She just sat and listened to me as I blubbered on through the crying. She knows just what to say and when to say it. I somewhat calmed down through our conversation. But I just want everyone to know how much I love her. She has always been there for me no matter what and I really appreciate her taking the time today for me.

Well, I guess I will hear from the doctor's office tomorrow about where we go from here. I have lots of questions to ask them before this cycle. Im sure I sounded like a blubbering idiot on their voicemail, but I would think they are probably used to that by now.

We are going camping over the 4th and I really am way past ready for it. It's really nice to just get away for a long weekend without really having to spend any money other than for food to take with. I will get to spend the weekend with Bon and maybe we can drown our sorrows in something a little bit stronger than caffeine :). We shall see. Oh and thank you everyone for all of your comments, they tend to keep me going.

Oh so close....yet so f*ing far away!!!!!!

Yep, that's right, today is CD#1 for me. Couldnt even make it to the freaking blood test on Tuesday. BFN for another flipping cycle. So, I called the doctor's office and left a message (they probably wont be able to understand it). Time to start thinking about the next flipping cycle. Ive got lots of questions before we poor another $3000 into a cycle. Yeah, that's right, $3000. You're probably thinking WTF??!! Yeah, the things we do and sacrifice to make our one little dream become a reality. We cant afford to do a 3rd cycle. We really cant even afford to do this 2nd cycle, but damnit we will make it happen. If we have to pinch pennies (which we will), that's what we are going to do.

I am pretty much devastated at this point. Also, extremely pissed. I got my hopes up yet again, and what happens? They come crashing down on top of me. Im not really sure how much longer I can endure this. It's slowly breaking me down every step we have to take. I find myself getting even more emotional at the end of each cycle. And by the way, how was I the lucky one to get Endo, when no one else in my fucking family has it???!!!! It doesnt really seem right does it? It's really crappy.

Baby shower. Yeah, Im really not looking forward to it now. I was dreading going in the first place, but now, I really dont want to go at all. I already RSVP'd so I feel like I have to make an appearance. However, I could do what she did to me, show up, give her the gift and tell her that Im sorry, but I just cant stay because I have something else going on. Im not like that though. I wont be able to do it.

Alright...Im not sure if I can handle another busted cycle, but Im gonna try. I need a vacation. A long vacation at that.

CD #27

I have to make it to CD #30 before I can know any outcome at this point. Im extremely, extremely nervous at this point. Hubby wants me to POAS, but I just cant bring myself to do it. I want to, but Im really scared at this point. I had some spotting yesterday, which also really scares me. However, that would have been 11 days past ovulation, and it could just be implantation bleeding. Im really keeping my fingers crossed that's what it was. It wasnt even hardly anything either, so that could be a good thing. Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im about to go nuts!!!

We started cleaning up our spare bedroom today. This is the anticipation that we are both feeling. We sat in the room afterward for like 30 minutes just talking about our possible future. I wanted to cry. What if this never happens for us? I will be devastated. We havent really discussed options because I cant bring myself to think in that way. I dont want to. I wont right now.

Baby shower tomorrow. Totally dreading the whole thing. Do you think it would be rude for me to just stay for an hour and then get the hell out of there? I dont think so. Besides, I do actually have a family cookout to go to tomorrow also. Oh yeah, and she was the "friend" who didnt come to my wedding (which Im still a little pissed about 2 years later). And also the "friend" who told me that DH and I should just stop trying because that's what worked for her and her husband. Oh and let me add one more...she told me that I shouldnt be upset that she was pregnant, I should be happy because if she were in my situation she would be really happy for me (all in an email mind you). Gee, thanks so much for your assvice. Am I overreacting? My best friend says no, and that she definitely wouldnt be going if in my situation. I have a really hard time saying no to people. So, I will suck it up, teeth clenched, and fake smile for the hour that I have to be there. Im not really sure if I can maintain my composure while she is opening all of those gifts. So, an hour it will probably be and I will get my ass out of there. Sounds good to me! :)

Only three more days....only three more days....thinking positive thoughts as best I can. With DH behind me saying we'll be painting that room in no time and filling it with lots of love. (fingers crossed)

Anticipation....Nervousness....Hope....

Just some of the emotions that are going through my mind right now. Im waiting with anticipation because I just want to know where we go from here. Im extremely nervous because if the end result is positive, oh my...wow, but if it's negative, total heartbreak. Im hoping for the best possible outcome for this cycle. As I have said before there are so many other emotions right now it's impossible to explain all of them. I think Im mostly nervous at this point. I wish there were a way to control your emotions, but when you have all these extra hormones that you've pumped into your body, I think that's virtually impossible.

Ive decided that Im taking a Personal day on Tuesday. Im gonna need it no matter what the end result. Im not really sure if I will be able to function for either outcome. Somehow, I still have to come up with something that will keep my mind occupied once I get my results. My sister will be in town, so maybe her schedule wont be jam packed and we can do something fun. That would be wonderful. Next week is a short week anyway because of the 4th. We are going camping, which I am really looking forward to.

Which brings me to my next topic. Does anyone else find that their funds get stretched to the max during this wonderful time in our lives? I feel like we are scraping at the bottom of the barrel virtually every other week. It also doesnt help when you have the once a year bills that come around too. That really puts a damper on things. I hate pulling from our savings. I cringe every single time we have to do it, which here lately has been more than I would like to admit. It just seems like we cant ever get ahead. Ive come to find that being grown up really sucks...lol. Can I just go back to grade school where my only worry was whether I was going to play with my barbies or my baby dolls. Those were the times right? :)

So far Ive done a decent job of keeping myself somewhat occupied. Only 5 more days. Staying optimistic. Happy, positive thoughts. Crossing everything that I can cross on my body and praying to God.

8 Days and Counting

Someone sent me a link to a list of things to do during your 2WW today and I want to say thank you. There were definitely some great ideas on there. Now, I just wish that I could afford to go and get that professional massage. It's been going through my head for the past several weeks. I need one of those really deep tissue massages. That would be great. Care to make any donations? :) Just kidding!

Im counting down the days until I go in for my blood test for the final result of this cycle. It's been a long, painful journey so far. My loving hubby says that he has been able to tell a difference in my mood (not for the better). You know, because all of those extra hormones do wonders for your emotions. We only have 8 more days until a BFP/BFN. Can we do some kind of voodoo dance or rain dance or some kind of dance to help with this?? Prayer would be wonderful too I guess ;).

Progesterone level was checked today. The nurse said it was at a 40 and they usually like for it to be atleast an 18-20. So that was great! There should be a nice little cozy environment for an egg to do its civic duty and implant itself into my lining. Here's to hoping we get some wonderful news that is 22 months overdue! (I have to be optimistic at a time like this)

So the other huge question going through my mind right now, do I POAS or do I not POAS. Im thinking I might still get a false positive at only 7 days past ovulation. But it would be so wonderful to just see those double pink lines for once in my life! Im going to hold off as long as I possibly can. Hopefully I have the willpower to make it until my doctor's appointment next Tuesday.

I am very proud of myself by the way. I have to go to a baby shower on Sunday for a "friend". Im really dreading the whole scenario. However, I went to get a baby gift so that I could get it out of the way. I probably should have waited until the last minute so that I didnt have to stare at the cute little bag all flipping week. I. did. not. break. down. Whoo hoo!! I am pretty proud of myself. I was damn close, but I fought it back as to not scare off the other Target customers. They probably would have questioned my sanity. So, I did it. No crying in the middle of Target.

I did cry once today though. I found out that my big sis is coming home this weekend from North Carolina. (I dont think Im supposed to know yet though. Mom spoiled it D!) I get to see my beautiful niece and nephews. And Im not really sure why I cried when I found out my sister was coming home, but I did. It was a happy cry of course. I miss her a lot. She is 7 years older than me, but I find that we just keep getting closer the older we get. I really admire her. So that's something that I get to look forward to for this weekend. Now, I have to figure out what to do with Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and Monday :). I have my second job on tuesday and thursday which keeps me pretty focused at all times (Im a colorguard instructor in my spare time). I will try to keep posting at least every other day this week. Adios!

Lost In This World...

That's what I feel like sometimes. Im not really sure where I belong. Especially right now, with all of this craziness in my life. Which way is up and which way is down? It seems like every time I turn around someone is pregnant or there is the cutest little baby being shoved in my face. Maybe the answer is Im being selfish, but somehow I dont think thats it. Is it so wrong for us to want something so bad? I dont think so. I know my husband wants it just as bad as I do. He is trying to keep me thinking positive. Sometimes it works, but sometimes it doesnt. I have improved though. Now, when I hear that someone is pregnant I dont shut down. At one point for a while, every time I heard that, I would totally shut myself off from everyone. I would go right to depressed mode. It was like a switch would just turn off or on, whichever way you want to look at it.

So, Ive never really went into what I do for a living. Im a Social Worker and deal with the homeless on a daily basis. Im on what is called a Homeless Outreach Team. Dont get me wrong, I really enjoy my job and working with the individuals and families. However, it gets really really hard when I work with a mom who is pregnant and does everything under the sun she isnt supposed to do while pregnant. That's whats hard. It breaks my heart. Those are the ones that I really do not want to work with, but still have to. It hurts...

So I have found a new favorite song. It is called "Lost" by Anouk. It's wonderful and I think Ive listened to it like 20 times today. Everyone should check it out. It's really good. The title to my post is part of the song and I really feel like it fits in a way. Like I said, it's now my favorite.

Yay for the weekend

Yes, that's right. I am pretty excited that it is the weekend. That means we are that much closer to finding something out. I just want to know something, anything, whatever it is. I go to the doctor on Monday for my Progesterone level check. So, this weekend I am going to try to relax. However, we all know that probably wont be possible. But I am going to try dangit. Keeping my fingers crossed for some good news on Monday regarding my progesterone.

Video/Song that I really like...

I found this video through another widespread Infertility blog and I really like it. However, it makes me well up every time I watch it. If you watch, you might get a better understanding of the way that I am feeling about all of this. You might want to grab a tissue...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

Okay...really...2 flipping weeks??!!

I dont know if I am going to be able to handle it. I mean seriously...two weeks. That's like a flipping eternity!!! My job is driving me up the wall and now I have the pleasure of waiting before I have any news whatsoever of a negative or positive. Okay, let me rephrase that, the job is alright, but my immediate team leader, not so much. However, that's another day! :) haha.
So, one of my coworkers (one of the only ones who knows everything about me pretty much because we are very similar) put a totally different spin on something for me that I had posted yesterday. She came into my office this morning and said..."you know, I was thinking when I got home last night about what you said about the baby chimes." Haha...alright? So then she says, "what if it was supposed to be a sign? Especially since it happened as soon as you walked out the door of your doctor's office." Okay, I can look at it that way. Now I feel like an ass. I was only looking at the negative and not the possibility of it being a sign. Maybe it was, maybe it wasnt. Time will only tell I guess. But as I said a few posts ago (I think) I am going to stay positive. It's really hard to do since everything that has happened the past two years has all been negative. Okay, not everything, but the babymaking part has and that is what this blog is for. My hubby and I's lack of fertility as we all well know by now.
By the way...I love my sister-in-law! (I know you are reading this, lol) She is really wonderful and I dont think I have ever really told her that before. She has been so much support for me and she probably doesnt even realize it. But now she does!! :) I know that she would do anything for me and has been there since day one of our long process. I actually think she was the first to know we were trying to conceive (she was pregnant with my nephew at the time). But like I said, she has been there since day one and has had nothing but support even when everyone else was trying to give me the normal advice. And I definitely love her very much for that!!
So that's all I got tonight. It's a little over 48 hours past IUI and Im already being impatient about this wait. I really hope it goes by quickly. And again, Im trying to stay positive as best I can. Until next time...

On to the 2 Weeks Waiting...1DPIUI #1

It's now time for me to begin biting my fingernails down to the quick. Not really, because I stopped doing that a long time ago, but the nerves are definitely going to be setting in very quickly. Especially since several people know what has been going on and sooner or later the dreaded questions will begin to be asked. (Read: For those family members reading this, please let me tell you before you start asking several questions)
So I thought that I was free and clear from the cramping and bloating that was possible after the IUI once the ovulation kicks in. Apparantly not. This morning when I woke up, I had the bloated feeling, then as the morning went on, it only progressed and became more crampy. It's bearable. It's nothing like I go through every other month when my period actually starts. Those are hell! Those are the kind where you just want to curl up into a ball and die kind of cramps. Where nothing you do helps at all. It subdues for maybe 3o minutes, but is always back with a vengeance (almost like laughing in your face for trying to make it go away). Yeah, they're usually that bad. So, needless to say, these are definitely nowhere near that! :) Besides, a little cramping is normal.
2nd IUI was today. My cervix was not cooperating the way she wanted it too though. She had to deposit the little guys in my cervix, which normal procedure is in the uterine cavity. She said it was okay though because yesterday was the most important one. Today was just an extra boost. I think my cervix is a little small too, so that probably doesnt help the situation much.
Minor situation after appointment. My RE is actually in the Women's Hospital (along with my gyn.). Well, as the hubby and I were leaving, we got to hear the wonderful chimes playing over the intercom (yeah, a baby was born). Okay, I do think that it's really cool they do that, but why do they have to do it over the entire flipping hospital?? Especially on the floor where the Infertility doctor is! Definitely thought I was going to lose it for a second, but hubby helped me regain my composure in saying 'That will be for us one day, hang in there'. How supportive! I love him so much! :) Well, I will keep updating...I go back on Monday for a progesterone level check.

CD#15

Well, it's official. I have hopefully been knocked up by the nurse. However, there is still one more day that I have to do. So, maybe with them doing the IUI twice my chances will be greater, which I do believe that is the general idea.
IUI was not the greatest feeling in the world. It was actually very uncomfortable. Especially afterward when I had a huge ass sponge shoved up my WhooHa (a bit too graphic? deal with it!! lol). Yeah, that baby got to stay in for 4 hours and I swear it was covered in plastic! And just think, I get to have that again tomorrow! Only this time, I get to go back to work afterward...I just cant contain my excitement for that...ha.
So Im going to be really, really optimistic from here on out because damnit we cant afford to do another one of these! However, if we have to, we will. So on to another day where my hubby gets to go in again and so do I. He informed me that the magazine collection just wasnt up to par for his liking :). Haha!! I love him! Until tomorrow! By the way...I feel pretty good. No cramping or any other symptoms I was told I might have.

D-Day....

.....will be here tomorrow. My hubby goes in at 11 in the morning and then I go in at 12:30. Then I do it all again on Tuesday. Everything looked really good this morning when I got my ultrasound and some more bloodwork. My lining is where it should be, and my little follicle that just kept growing last week, was at a 24x18 (I had a different nurse today). That is really good though! So, I had to take my two Ovidrel shots this evening to get my body ready for the happenings tomorrow! Im pretty excited, a little nervous, and probably every other emotion bottled into one.
I think Im going to take a half day at work tomorrow (it counts as a full day no matter what!). Not really sure if I will want to go back afterward :). Luckily, I have a pretty flexible job. My boss has been wonderful with everything these past couple weeks. She is very understanding!
I do believe that if I read correctly, if there has not been any 'menses' by 10 days past administration of Ovidrel, they do a test. Please let it be a positive!!!!!
Well, here's to praying that everything works out with that wonderful end result!

It's Almost Time!!!

More b/w and yet another ultrasound this morning. We have finally reached some good news! My Follicles are growing and my lining thickened up from like 2.4 to 6.8 or something like that. Also, when the nurse called me back this afternoon she said that Dr. B said that everything was looking good. The dosage increase made a big difference apparantly! Two more nights at 150 and I go back in on Sunday morning for probably more b/w and definitely another ultrasound. The nurse and Dr. B seem pretty confident that two more doses will do the trick to get me ready for the IUI. With my bloodwork, on Wednesday there was something that was low at like an 89, but that also jumped way up to like 341 and the nurse was really excited about that. She didnt really say what it was though, Im kind of curious :).

So...the impending IUI. Definitely getting a little nervous. I was told that it will probably take place on Monday or Tuesday. It all depends on how everything is on Sunday. Hopefully I have at least one more follicle that is the appropriate size. (Anyone got any MiracleGro??) Then it will be on to the waiting game. Well, time for me to shoot up. Did I ever mention that I really feel like a pin cushion right now?? (Ive got the bruises to prove it!)

Dosage Increase

Well, went to the Dr. today for my lovely b/w and ultrasound. My follicles are not big enough, which it is only CD#11, so Im hoping that's okay. The nurse also told me that my lining was still a bit too thin. They didnt really say anything about my bloodwork when they called me back this afternoon. All I know is I dont have to take that damn Cetritide (I would have to actually mix the stuff myself, and the needle is gynormous, it's also what would bring my LH levels back down if needed). So, we are good for now. Dr. B increased my dosage from my Gonal-F pen from 75 to 150. I go back to the doctor on Friday for more b/w and another ultrasound.

Oh yeah, the ultrasound was actually pretty cool, because I could pick out all of my little follicles. The biggest one was 12mm, which is not big enough at this time, and all the others were still too small to count. Hopefully those suckers will sprout like crazy with this dosage increase. It might just be wishful thinking, but dang it, Im wishing!! :)

So, I actually felt this shot tonight. It kind of burned a bit while I was doing the actual injection. Im gonna say that's normal because I think that if I was going to have any kind of reaction, it would have happened by now. I feel normal, so that's good :) Well, that's all I got for tonight. Hopefully we will be on to the next step after Friday's events.

Oh by the way...I loved the posting from Bon about some good comebacks to people who ask the stupid questions/make the stupid comments. I know they dont know/understand, but it can still make you feel like you are two inches tall all because people are uninformed. I have had to deal a lot with the whole "Maybe it's not in God's plans right now" line. It just makes my skin crawl every flippin time I hear it. I have also had someone try to give me advice as to what to do/what not to do (someone who had only been trying for maybe 6 months, if that). I think I about flew off my rocker. It was a good thing we were not in person. So, that's my little tiff of the evening. Until Friday...

Nerves are setting in...

Im beginning to get a little nervous about everything. I know that it is just labs and an ultrasound, but I want everything to be as close to normal as it possibly can be! I mean, having to give yourself shots daily isnt really something that I would call 'fun'. And I am really not looking forward to the needle for the Ovidrel shots. My hubby just may have to do those for me as I look away. Dont really have much else to say tonight. There are many things going through my mind right now, but I need to go to bed. So, I will hopefully give a good update tomorrow evening and we will be off and running for the impending IUI, which Im thinking is going to fall on this weekend. That should be correct.

The Wait Begins....

Today is Cycle Day#8. And again, I go to the doctor on Wednesday (labs and an ultrasound). Im beginning to get a bit nervous. It would be really nice if my LH levels are where they are supposed to be so that I dont have to give myself an extra shot that night to lower them back down. Everything has to be timed so precisely for this procedure, as it should, considering the cost. As everyone else has said in blogs that I have perused in the past couple of days, the end result is priceless. I am so ready for that end result at this point.

I was watching Jon and Kate plus 8 tonight. I really enjoy the show. One of the episodes tonight they were going over emails. One question that was asked was "Did you go through IVF or IUI when you had the sextuplets?" Wanna know what the answer was? Oh yeah, it was IUI. So Im thinking....Oh My God! Not really in a good way though...what in the hell would I do with sextuplets??!! Holy crap!!! Haha...well, lets just get the positive pregnancy test and then we will go from there.

I am praying for only one cycle of IUI as this is putting a strain on finances. We dont feel it yet, but we will. Especially when everyone knows, when it rains, it pours. Okay, now Im being a pessimist. I will try to quit that. Positive thoughts....positive thoughts....positive thoughts :)

Getting up to speed

I have decided to begin a blog about my husband and I's trials through the Infertility process. It was mostly due to a relative who is going through the same troubles and I feel like I need to get everything out. So, without further ado, I am going to give a brief rundown of our experience so far.

My husband and I will have been married for 2 years in July. We will have been trying to conceive for 2 years the end of August. So, obviously, things are not going at all as we had hoped or even planned! Last August, I began meeting with my Gyn. about our infertility. He at the time didnt seem too worried. He had been having me track my cycle via chart (the fun temp. taking) for several months prior. He reviewed my charts and stated that I was not ovulating regularly. So, that is when I went on Clomid for about 4 months I believe. After nothing was happening yet again, my doctor referred me to Dr. B, an RE.

After finally meeting with Dr. B in I believe it was early January, he decided we needed to do a Hysterosalpingogram. By the way...I better never have to do one of those again!! The stupid doctor who tried to do it, couldnt. He tried like 6 different methods, and no luck! So, it was back to Dr. B to figure out what to do next. Oh yeah, in the meantime, my hubby had went in to give his specimen. So at the next visit, we discussed both of our results (or the lack there of for me). My hubby was a little below normal and my doctor wanted to figure out just why my procedure couldnt be done. So, he informed us of a procedure known as an IUI. He then scheduled a Laparoscopy/Hysteroscopy for me, which occurred in March.

The day of my surgery, we were informed that I have Endometriosis. Which he found on both sides. When we went back in a couple weeks later, Dr. B wanted to go right into the IUI. Greg and I discussed it, and decided that we could not afford to do the procedure yet (our insurance doesnt pay for anything that has to do with Infertility, lucky us).

So, here we are in June, and we have begun our cycle for the IUI. Dr. B seems pretty confident that this will work in no more than 3 cycles. I am on CD #7 and I am having to give myself shots (Gonal F Pen) for 7-10 days. It's not so bad yet, but Im worried about the Ovidrel shot because the needle is a little bit bigger. I go back in for labs and an ultrasound on Wednesday, which Dr. B will then decide if we need to up the dosage of FSH (Gonal F Pen) or not. After that, comes the IUI. I think it is going to fall around Saturday or Sunday, we shall see.

I will keep updating through this cycle...hoping that we dont have to do another cycle (the medicines alone were close to $800). Im praying, which I really havent been doing much of lately...so many questions running through my mind the past several months.