Is that a...No, It can't Be!

Yes, I actually smiled while at said baby shower...

That's my momma and someone I grew up with. She's the cousin of the baby's daddy. (mmm Mexican food) Oh...and the momma in the background...didnt realize that until after I put it here. Sorry... So, it was short and sweet with good food. My mom and B kept me sane.

A Year Ago

I figured out today that I am in a much better place than I was almost a year ago. A year ago I had just found out that I have endometriosis. A year ago I would break down in uncontrollable crying or go completely blank at any mention of a new pregnancy. A year ago finances were much easier to come by. A year ago it seemed like we would do almost anything to have a baby.

Things are definitely different now. It still really sucks that I have endo, but Lord knows there is nothing that I can do about that. It's still hard to hear about pregnancies, especially the ones that are "unplanned", but I no longer have to tell myself to snap out of that blank stare and act like you are happy for the person. (Don't get me wrong, most of the time I am happy for them, but of course not always) I don't have to run to the bathroom to hide my tears and then pretend like I am semi-okay. The finances are definitely a little tighter as we are still paying for our two IUI treatments from late summer, early fall, but it's making us put back a little extra money in other places to help prepare for IVF. We still would do anything to have a baby, but we are done trying to plan our lives around treatments. Yes, we want to do IVF and we know that it's the next step, but since our insurance does not cover Infertility at all, we have to try to save as much as we can to get to that step.

Trust me, I am not fully okay at this point, but I do know that I am better. Do I still long for that baby in my arms? Of course. Do I still want to hear those words of congratulations from friends and family? Of course. Do I still want to see those two pink lines on a HPT? Of course.

I'm not really sure how I ever got to this point, but I did. I'm okay with where I am at for now. I am sure that at some point I will probably get back to where I was a year ago, but maybe not. It's taken a long time to get where I am at today. It's a fragile place. At any moment an event, an announcement, a memory could come and shatter this place. I pray that it doesn't for my own sanity, but I know that it's a possibility.

**I managed to get through most of the baby shower. I didn't have any breakdowns or negative feelings. Of course, we left within an hour of it starting, but I did well. Shopping for the gift wasn't all that bad either. I had my few little comments here and there, but overall not too bad. I stayed strong. Thanks Sarah for thinking about me today :)

Gearing Up...

I'm gearing up for the inevitable on Saturday. I'm hoping that all will go well, but I don't know. I am attending a baby shower. The good thing is that my mom will be there with me. I haven't been to a baby shower since last summer and the outcome was disastrous. If you would like to read about it, head on over here. It really was horrific and now that I look back at it, I think I pretty much made a complete fool of myself. It was a bad time. And getting my period the day of did not help the pain.

The good thing is that we will not be there for all that long. My mother and I have to head over to a bridal shower right after. Which I'm sure will make it a lot better. I should be alright. I have been doing pretty good with all the babies and pregnant ladies I have been around lately. In fact, I have two clients right now who are both pregnant. One is about to have her baby any day, the other is not due until the beginning of June. So, overall, I feel like I am handling my issues much better.

I still need to call my Dr.'s office and inform them it is going to be a while before IVF and I need to know what to do with the medication that I have left over. It would be really cool if they last longer than what the label actually says they do, because then maybe they will last until we decide we can afford to do IVF. We will see.

Just Been Thinking

I consider myself to be very fortunate in a way. I have never had to deal with a miscarriage in the almost 3 years of TTC. However, I guess that I could have been totally oblivious to the fact and not even realized what was happening, but I have never, and I repeat NEVER seen that second line on the HPT.

But when I read blogs about those who have had several miscarriages or even just one, it makes my heart hurt. I honestly can not even imagine how I would react if that were to happen to hubby and I. I really don't know that I would be able to function for a while. Hell, I'm pretty sure there would be a nervous breakdown involved.

On another note...I refigured how much it would cost us to go through with IVF and it comes out to about $12,000. That total includes my medications. Which, by the way, I still have an unopened box of a Gonal-F 300 pen and a box of cetritide. They are supposed to be expiring the end of July. I'm pretty sure we will not be able to do IVF by that time. I am going to have to figure out how to get some money back for that... :( Which I will then have to fork out yet again when we decide to do IVF.

I need to work on that Garage Sale I was wanting to have. I also need to come up with some other good money-raising ideas. So, Im asking again...does anyone have any good ideas?? :)

Anyone need some assvice?? Anyone??

So we all know that hubby and I are pretty much taking a nice long break at this moment right? Yes. Okay. Well, it seems that the rest of the universe has decided to start giving me assvice yet again. I don't think I can tell you how many times in the past week that I have had to hear..."you really just need to relax and not think about it." As if me saying that we are on a break opens up an invitation to give me all the assvice I never wanted. I mean come on.

Saturday was an interesting day. Hubby and I spent almost the entire day at one of his friends, celebrating his birthday. There was lots of beer and great food. I don't drink beer (gasp!), so while hubby is getting pretty much toasted at 4 in the afternoon, I have the pleasure of sitting with the mommy club and listening to all their complaints about kids these days. And yes, there were kids there. Several of them. I honestly felt like a complete outcast. I mean, who do I have to talk about other than Blaze? So...I have concluded that I would rather not do that any time soon again, unless there is some unexpected news for us. Ha!

Went to the grocery store last night. I would swear that every cracked out, pregnant chick was there. Normally, I do not mind this. But for some reason, last night really bugged me. Oh, you know, it might be because almost every single one of them had half of their big belly's hanging out from under their shirt. Thanks. I needed to see that.

Being a Social Worker I really shouldnt judge the ladies I saw last night, but seeing as how I pretty much know the signs when someone is using....it's a little hard not to.

I have a client who should be having her baby within the next couple of weeks. Im actually a little excited about it. She has been doing really well with everything and is trying to get her life back on track. Those are the clients I enjoy :) Especially when there is going to be a healthy, little girl at the end! Now, if we could just find her a car seat!!

Never fear...

I am going to start out by apologizing for not posting for a while. I promise I have still been reading everyone's updates! And making the occasional comment.

I dont have a whole lot to talk about right now. AF has come and gone and I am supposed to be taking BCP, but I am the worst about remembering those little things. I didn't take them last month, which was probably not the smartest decision, but I still have an ounce of hope that we can do this thing on our own. I need to make sure I take them this time, because Lord knows that my endo is probably creeping its way back into my system.

I need a vacation. I need a vacation really, really, really badly!! I am about at my end with my job right now. The sad part is...it's not even my actual job, it's the coworkers. I have to suck it up though because I have to take a week this summer for band camp. Oh well...Im trying to hang in there...

Time to get back to work...Ive been slacking on my notes with my clients...not good :)

Finally living our lives again

We are finally living our life like we were before we decided to start TTC. Hubby and I realized just the other day that neither one of us has even really thought about TTC for at least the past few weeks. For, I think, the first time ever...I have absolutely no idea what day I am on for my cycle. And to tell you the truth...it feels really good. I could not have imagined it would ever be like this. We were both so engrossed with having a baby that we weren't making any time for us. And now that we have had our unfortunate events for the year, we have had to start over. A fresh start with finances. We are actually a little ahead at this point. Well...kind of. :)

We bought hubby a different truck. It's definitely a lot better than what I thought we would ever be able to afford, but the dealership worked with us and we had a little bit to put down from the insurance. We ended up getting hubby's dream truck pretty much :) A black 2007 Ford F-150 Crew cab (a lot bigger than what he had). Payments are about $10 more than what we were paying. He is happy.

We used a little bit of the money that we got back from taxes for a new tv and saved the rest for our roof we will be doing here before too long.

We have decided to go on a cruise next March with hubby's parents, sister and BIL, aunt, grandma, aunt and uncle, two other couples who are friends of the family and possibly a couple others. It should be pretty fun. We need a vacay sooner, but a cruise should be a blast!

Im still looking for different employment. It's not going so well. I know that now is not the most opportune time to be looking, but man, I need a new job! My immediate supervisor asked me if everything was alright the other day because I have been keeping to myself a lot. I didn't realize it was that obvious. So, I pretty much spelled it out for her about having issues with one of my coworkers. We will see if anything is done.

Sorry to have been MIA lately. Winterguard is over now. We didnt make it on to State Finals, but the kids had a wonderful season anyway :) I am extremely proud of them!