Just Once

Can someone please explain to me why I was given the opportunity to do the work that I am doing right now? It's not that I am ungrateful for this job, it's that I'm not really sure how much more I can handle. It seems like every time I get to a better place with myself, something else happens in my job that makes me extremely angry/jealous/upset. Yes, I said jealous.

I'm jealous of the fact that my clients do nothing and they get to have the pleasure of bringing into this world a new life. No matter how much they do not do for the other children that they have. It makes me angry when I have a family who (normally a single mother with multiple children) obviously does not understand how babies are made.

How can I go on doing what I am doing and deal with my IF when every time I turn around another client who really does not need to be is boasting about being pregnant. I have to turn my back and hold back the tears that start to well up in my eyes.

Just once I want to know what it feels like to see those two little lines or PREGNANT on the pee stick. Just once I want to know what it feels like to even be pregnant. Why can't I have that? Why does it seem like everyone else in the world gets to have that overwhelming joy and I'm stuck wondering how much I'm going to suffer when I get my next period. Which in turn leaves me wondering if I will EVER get to experience the one thing that I want so bad in life...to have a family.


**We had a client (not mine) today that was taken to the hospital because someone called and said they found her in an abandoned house. She is 7 months pregnant and was bleeding heavily. Her caseworker is pretty sure that she has been using for the past couple of days. Her drug of choice...crack. She was also diagnosed with a prolapsed uterus a couple weeks ago. She lost the baby.