We are back from yet another wonderful weekend of camping. I dont have many pictures to post from this trip because I just didnt take that many, but what I do have, I will post here in a bit! :)

So the major thing that I hate about camping is when you get home, the laundry is horrible! Not only does EVERYTHING smell like campfire, but you have to wash pretty much everything that you took with you when you get home. Therefore, I am still doing laundry well through the week following our weekend. So, yes, the laundry is still waiting for me as I write...

This is my baby (Blaze) during one of our nice long walks. So to answer a couple questions from my last post, yes Blaze goes with us, and yes he loves camping. Well at least I think he does. He is always so worn out by the end of our weekend all he wants to do is sleep. And the guy way up in the distance...that's my hubby and his sexy butt ;) And yes, when we go on trails, Blaze is so good about staying with us he doesn't have to stay on his leash.

This is Blaze after our hike on Saturday. He still had several walks to get through for the rest of the weekend. He tuckers out so quickly :) The funny part is by the time we go to bed he is so ready for sleep that he practically begs us to go to bed earlier. We cheat with our camping too, we have a pop-up camper (that we bought for really cheap from a family friend) with air conditioning. So we sometimes take him in during the really hot days to cool off a little in the air. Poor guy has an all black coat. We have definitely had our fair share of tent camping too, I promise! We had to buy an 8 person tent a few years ago because Blaze was closterphobic (sp?) in our 4 person. That was not a fun weekend!

Oh yes...I got to see my "friend" (the one that I broke down at her baby shower back in June) while camping. She had her baby. He is 3 weeks old. They came down just for the night I think to stay with her in-laws. It was awkward. Didnt really know what to say to her. Especially when she told me that she has Postpartum Depression and cries all the time. I told her join the crowd, only mine isnt from having a baby, obviously. She was telling me about how little sleep she gets at night and that she doesnt ever want to take him anywhere for fear of exposing him to germs. I just listened. All I could really say was he was beautiful.

And that's that. Im all out of things to talk about! :)

Camping!!!

So Im back from Indy, but ready to pack again so that we can go camping for the long weekend. I took off work tomorrow so that we can pack everything up and get there early since hubby has to work tomorrow night. Im ready to get away for a weekend. The last two to three days I feel like I have been going non-stop. I had to sit through a two-day conference, which really was not the greatest, but didnt really have to fork out any money for anything, so that was nice.

We had a nice surprise in our hotel last night. We shared the hotel with the Cincinnati Bengals, who were in town to play the Colts today. So I got to see lots of big, huge NFL football players. It was kind of cool, even though I had no idea who any of them were. Yeah, I dont keep up on my football, sorry.

So, not much else to discuss other than I havent seen my hubby since early Tuesday morning and Im ready to spend a long weekend with him. We enjoy camping, but we need to get away for a weekend just the two of us. I have been plotting a fun getaway just for me and him that I think he will absolutely love! Details soon to come! ;)

I've Been Slacking

Yes, I will admit it. I have not been posting like I had been. So sorry about that. My posts probably wont be as often as they were since we are taking a little break for the time being. I dont really have a whole lot to discuss at this point because my life is not too exciting outside of TTC. Right now, hubby and I are just having lots of fun. Especially after that almost two week episode of not being able to have any fun :).

So, these next 3 or so months are going to be hard for hubby and I. We have three cousins who are getting ready to have babies. One is due in September, then October, and then in November. Im not gonna lie, Christmas is going to be really, really hard for me. As Im sure it will be for hubby also. Who knows, maybe we will be able to do this on our own. But somehow, my faith in that is not so great at this point. So...we shall see.

And why is it that after every failed cycle, everyone feels the need to ask if you have thought about adoption. Im sorry, but we are not ready for that and I dont know that we will ever be. Hubby and I discussed it the other night and he is pretty set on us not going to that point. Adoption is expensive and we are just not real sure that is the final route we want to take. Yes, it's been two years now, but I dont even want to think about that at this point. Especially when my Doctor has been so confident that I will get pregnant. I dont know...again, we shall see.

On that note, I will be out of town for the next couple of days for work. Not totally looking forward to it, but hopefully it will be alright. So, until then, hope everyone has a great week!

Words Cant Express My Gratitude

I have the most wonderful people in my life. I swear they are the greatest and Im really not sure what I would do without them in it. Everyone has been wonderful since AF arrived on Monday. I still wasnt the greatest on Tuesday, but I was getting better. Well, if you read a couple posts back, I talked about our homeless rat that has been staying with a coworker, who is one of the street guys who had to go in the hospital. Well, she is still with us at least until tomorrow. She has been my therapy this week. Every morning I go into work and the first thing I do is go and see her and she is there to greet everyone with such enthusiasm. She is the sweetest thing ever, I swear. And she really is a pretty rat (if that's possible...). But she is full of love and affection and will show it as soon as you let her out of her cage. So that has helped out a lot.

Tuesday, I was out of my office most of the day running around town with a coworker doing stuff with/for clients. Well, when I got back that afternoon, sitting on my desk was a wonderful arrangement from a store in our town called Cookies by Design. It was from my best friend. It had three huge flower cookies with one that had a message on it saying that she misses me. And then a card along with it that had a wonderful message from her. I love her so much and I wish that she were back here in e-ville. She will definitely be closer here in a couple months!

Wednesday evening, I met up with an old coworker of mine who just recently left our agency for another agency. We had Chinese and we talked about everything. She has been such a great friend when I have needed her. And she has followed me along this journey because we have been pretty close. She was also my Supervisor when I did my internship with our agency back in the fall of 05'. She has been the one that I go to with all my questions, comments, concerns, complaints, tears, etc. She is also my mentor because she is the best Social Worker ever! It also helps that we are so close in age. Well, when we were done, she insisted that she was going to buy my dinner. I definitely was not expecting that. She is so awesome!

Today, when I get to the office on my desk is a little bag. It was from Sister (the one who does the Reiki). She gave me a wonderful card, which really made me cry, again, and also a Wi.ll.ow T.ree ornament for Courage (which is one that I have been wanting). So thoughtful and wonderful.

Then, I get home tonight and check my mail and sitting on my front porch is a box. Hmmm. And it is from B. **Really, B, you did not have to do that, but you are definitely thoughtful and I love you for that! It was very very sweet of you to do that and I will definitely enjoy all of it!** For everyone else, B got me some fun smell good bath stuff and some candy :). She is so awesome!

So I have truly been blessed by everyone around me. I love them all so much and it has lifted my spirits more than you can possibly know. There are also a few family members that have been totally awesome the past couple of days in helping me get back out of my rut. I also got to spend some quality aunty time with my niece and nephew on tuesday. So I have really been trying to keep myself pretty busy this week and it's worked to keep my mind off of this whole thing.

Now it's time for hubby and I to take a break from treatments. There is just no way that we can afford to go on to a third cycle at this time. He wants to, but has finally figured out that we really need to pay off some debt before we do this again. So hopefully in no more than 6 months we will be back on our path, unless something were to happen between now and then. But until then, we are just going to have lots of fun ;). I have also decided that I am not going to go back on BCP because it totally defeats our purpose. I know, my endo will come back more quickly if I dont, but Im done with it. No more pills!!!!

And She Makes Her Grand Entrance

Yeah, it's official. There was no need for monitoring the rest of the day due to the fact I was in the bathroom 4 or 5 different times just to change. And this never happens to me. I am never this heavy. My best guess is that it's all those damn things I had at one point in both of my ovaries that didnt amount to diddly squat. Yeah, we arent even calling them what they were. So there. (Now I sound like a 5 year old)

So, I call the nurse in the morning to let her know there is no need for a blood test. Which of course breaks my heart. AF is here with a vengeance. I think I really pissed her off this time. She is definitely now telling me who is boss instead of the other way around like it's been for the past few weeks. Like I said, this is the worst I have ever been. The cramping is like every other time, but the bleeding, not so much.

Im scheduling an appointment with my Dr. as soon as possible. I want to know why they thought we had such a good chance, but it didnt happen. Maybe he can give me some kind of possible explanation. I know that nothing is ever 100%, but I still want to know something. The Man who knows the real explanation wont give me jack to keep in mind for next time. I am really angry now. It would be nice to just know what is expected of me.

I also want to find out from my Dr. how long we can wait so that it isnt like we would just be starting over again. Because we all know my confidence would probably be next to nil. Cant really say that I have much confidence in anything at this point anyway, but still. I need to know. We have to know what has to be done money-wise with the bills that have accumulated up to this point. Let me tell you...bills suck! Hopefully it will be alright to wait several months (probably no more than 6).

I want to say thank you for the support that everyone has shown. It really is wonderful being able to vent on here and not having anyone judge you for the things that you say/write. So thank you. I really appreciate it.

What did We Do??!!!

What did we do to deserve this? Im pretty sure that all hope is lost yet again for this cycle. I woke up this morning and had some pretty bad cramping and the usual "feeling" along with the wonderful (this is kind of gross), but diarrhea. It happens every time, that's how I pretty much know that this cycle is over. Yet again. The Dr. office told me to monitor today and see if it gets worse and if so, they will cancel my blood test on Wednesday. Well, we might as well cancel the damn thing now.

Seriously...what did we do to deserve this?? We have done everything we are supposed to do. Are we being punished for something? I dont understand how you can want something so much and be so ready for it only for it to be shattered one month after another. Just to let you know, we are now going on 2 years the end of August. I mean really, when does it end? When do we get our outcome that we have been trying for, for so long? I DONT UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!

Everything with this cycle had went so well. I had at least 4 mature follicles, I ovulated when I was supposed to, both IUI's were successful, and DH's count and motility were exceptional. I mean come on. What more do I have to do to get this to work???!!! That was our last cycle we could afford to do. At least until we get some of our bills paid down. I dont have the confidence that we can do this ourselves. That is really sad and pathetic.

I stayed home from work today. There wouldnt be any concentration on my part at all, Im sure. So I figured I would stay home and snuggle with my hubby and then of course, I have been bawling my eyes out pretty much the entire morning. I just dont understand. Why is this happening to us?!

10dpo: Ready to Pull Out My Hair

Yes, it's a fact. I. Am. Ready. To. Pull. Out. My. Hair. No joke. This is the worst part of the cycle. Waiting. And when you really dont have anything to do because hubby is working the entire weekend (we really need the extra money), you really start to lose it. I could go to Tar.get, but then I know I would not come out empty-handed. It's a given fact. I could work on my scrapbook, but I dont think I really have the patience to right now. I could write dance for the opening song for my guard girls, but Im not supposed to be excessively exercising (and would definitely fall into that category). So, what am I doing? Surfing the internet, listening to iTunes. Really not what I would call occupying my time very wisely. I could also do some laundry, but dangit I just dont want to. It's usually my Sunday thing anyway, and why break a ritual? :)

So I have a good story to tell...it involves my job. A lot of the population that I work with are severely mentally ill. And let me tell you, I have learned so much about Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder, Personality Disorders, etc. Things that you really cant know about until you have actually experienced it first hand. Well, yesterday (Friday) we were stopping in the men's shelter (Friday ritual for Outreach, where we take shirts, socks, food, hygiene, to the guys who stay out on the streets of e-ville), we usually take a couple workers from our local Mental Health team to speak with individuals if need to. Well, a gentlemen walked up to one of them and asked if they were on the clock. And then asked if he could speak with them. Well, it ends up the individual is definitely very mentally ill and suicidal. He agrees to go to the hospital only if we can help him find someone to take care of his "companion", which he had in the shelter with him. So, in his duffel bag, hiding, was his "companion". So long story short, we managed to find someone to watch the companion while he stays in the hospital. Turns out his companion is a domesticated rat. She is actually rather cute and very sweet.

When we went to meet the workers at the hospital to take the "companion" he got her out of her cage. It really almost brought tears to my eyes because as he was saying his goodbyes, you could tell that this was the one thing that was probably keeping him from taking his own life. He was telling her that she was going to be okay and that he would see her when he got back out of the hospital after the weekend. He told us what she liked to eat and even told us how she liked to be scratched on her back. When we left he had tears in his eyes.

So, she is definitely being taken care of by one of my coworkers this weekend. The really cool thing about this is that the individual had a note from a clinic somewhere in California that stated he needed to be able to keep the rat with him at all times, because she was his therapy and was what kept him going. I find it amazing the connections we make with our pets or companions, whichever you want to say. I know that I would not want to have to leave my Blazer, ever. I would be devastated. I could also definitely see the bond that he and his companion had. She was just as connected to him as he was her. So I really hope that he can get back on medication and get out of the hospital soon in order to be reunited with his companion. I think that was definitely the highlight of my day yesterday. It really was amazing.

I tell you there is never a dull day with my job, but that has been one of the best. It really has been an eye opening two years of employment. Let me just throw this out there, the individuals I work with have so many barriers to employment that it just kills me when I hear people say "they just need to get a job". Yeah, it really doesn't always work that way. I think nearly 98% of the people I have worked with have had some kind of illness hindering them from getting and sustaining employment. Just wanted to throw that out there :). On that note...I think I've decided I am going to go to T.ar.get.