A Little Bit of Everything

So I feel like crap right now. I have had some pretty decent cramps all day today. It really has not been cool. It is also like a week too early. I havent actually started yet, but I feel it coming on. My lower back has been hurting and also the cramping, so I know it's not too far away. Which, is really crazy, because I should have another whole week before AF.

I have decided that if I have to rest for another cycle due to my cyst not being gone, I am not going to take BCP again. They have totally messed up my female system like no other! It's probably the whole, BCP during May, pump my body full of extra hormones during June, then back on BCP for July thing. Im just thinking that really is not a good thing. Im no Doctor, but I do know what my body has been doing this month, and it's not cool. So, like I said, if I cant do a second cycle of IUI, then no more BCP.

Well, life has been really crazy this week. DH is on 2nd shifts now, and I really dont think that I am going to like it at all. We dont spend as much money now, but I am always home by myself and I NEVER get to see him. Unless I try to prop my eyes open for when he gets home around 11:30. Im a granny when it comes to bedtime, so Im usually pretty out by the time he gets home at night. He does get up shortly before I leave for work in the mornings, but even then we only see each other for about 10 minutes. It's really not cool. However, if we do become pregnant, it might be a good thing for him to remain on 2nd shift because he will be home at night with me and we would only have to pay a sitter for a couple hours a day each week. That would be nice. I know daycare is super expensive. Along with everything else in this country right now!!

Okay, so here are a couple pics of our camping trip over the 4th. These are just to show you how much Blaze enjoyed himself over the weekend

So this was after we took the long hike down to the river, played frisbee, then hiked all the way back. His uncle R decided he needed to get a massage for his aching paws :) Can we say spoiled?? And yes, he has to lay on a blanket otherwise he wont lay down. Again, he's only a little spoiled!!

After we played some frisbee down by the river after a nice long walk through tick-infested woods....Oh yes, those are my DH's sexy chicken legs ;)

So that is all I got for tonight. I really hope that my cramping stops. I am on vacation next week!!! Whoo hoo!!! However, it's not really going to be much of a vacation due to the fact that I have to teach colorguard all week out in the scorching sun for Band Camp. Fun, fun. But maybe my legs will actually get some sun on them and not be so blindingly white. Adios!!

Blah...

I really dont have much to say, but I hadnt written anything in a couple days, so I figured I better let everyone know that I am still alive. Somewhat.... :) Well, I should be making a phone call to the Dr. sometime next week I do believe. Really hoping that my cyst is gone so we can get this show back on the road and hope we dont get derailed again.

I have yet to hear back from my "friend" about the email. I dont believe that she has probably viewed it yet. Im not really sure if she will even contact me back about it or not. We shall see. I just hope she reads the Resolve articles that i sent to her. That would be good.

Well, as I said before, Im kind of boring tonight. I havent really been thinking about this month very much, which I think is a good thing. I know that this month is a bust due to the BCP, so I am anxiously awaiting next week when I get to go back to the doctor and start it all over again. So, I will try to be more energetic about posting. But really, my life is kind of boring outside of the Infertility piece...lol. Well, until next time.....:)

You Just Need to Be Patient

Hahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha!!!!!!!! So I didnt think that I was going to have a whole lot to write about tonight, but I do. Well, only because I just checked my email. Remember that baby shower I attended a couple Sundays ago with the "friend" who told me I "needed to be patient". Well, she's back. So, this is her email and then my response to that nice little email....

*** Hey M! I just wanted to write you and see how you were doing? I think about you a lot! Just remember it will happen! You just have to patient. Ya your thinking easy for you to say...Huh? But remember what my favorite lady told me....."All in God's time!" Love ya Let me know when you want to get together!! ***

(My Response was as follows)***Okay...so Im not really sure how to say this. Im going through a really hard time right now and being told that I just have to be patient really doesnt help me out...at all. Patience is not the answer to my current situation. I understand that you mean well and I really appreciate you taking the time to let me know that you are thinking about me. However, you could just leave it at that. Yes, I really would like to get together sometime, but right now, it is very hard for me. I love you to death and always have, but I dont think you realize just what we are going through. And that is okay. I dont expect you to thoroughly understand. And how do you know that it will happen for us? How can you be so sure about something when you really dont totally know? We have been trying for 22 months now. 22 months!!!! That's a really long time. I really dont mean for this to be harsh, but I just want you to try to grasp a little bit of my life for the past 2 years. Just try to imagine having been trying to conceive for that long. What would you think? How would you feel? Especially for the first 18 months of that, not knowing at all what was wrong with you or possibly wrong with your husband. Then having to fork out thousands of dollars when they did find the reason in a procedure that may not even work when it's all said and done. Just hitting one obstacle after another and hoping that every month maybe it would be different this time. Please, try to put yourself in my shoes and then tell me to be patient. I have a couple links that I would like for you to read. If you choose not to, fine, but if you do, you might be able to grasp a little bit of my situation and the emotions that I go through on a monthly basis. Im sorry if you are offended, but I had to say all of that for me. So, here are those links.
http://www. resolve. org/site/PageServer?pagename=cop_tainf_jffaf

http://www. resolve. org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie

M****

So, someone please tell me that I am not nuts in telling her all of this. My DH told me that my response was not too harsh, which made me feel much better. I guess I basically lost it. She needs to be informed. And it's better that we werent in person, because face to face conflict is not my thing. I probably would have started crying uncontrollably and not been able to really tell her how I felt. So Im glad with my response. I think it was a good one. But I still need some reassurance from my computer buddies :)

By the way, only a couple more weeks until the next cycle begins. Let's all keep our fingers crossed that the big balloon in my ovary will be gone. Until next time...I hope everyone is doing alright.

So Im a Fat Cow??

Oh yes, I had the pleasure today of someone telling me "You know, you have gained some weight!" Then said, "you're pregnant aren't you??!!" How about, no Im not pregnant, but yes I have gained a few pounds in the past couple of years. I mean, I havent gained that much weight!! So she then tries to cover by saying, "well, you needed to gain that weight, you were too skinny". So, Im 5'8" and weigh 140 lb. Yeah, I could stand to tone up a bit and get rid of my love handles, but I didnt think it was that noticable. At least I dont look like I did when I graduated high school at 110 lb and I was 5'8". That was too damn skinny. However, I did have the nice flat tummy that I could show off my belly button ring :). (I dont have that anymore...lol) So, thank you very much for confirming my fatness....as if I didnt have enough things to think about in my life, now I have the added pleasure of being self-conscious. Wow.

Not much else going on in my little world in Southern Indiana. DH and I had a wonderful anniversary. He got me roses :) even though we had said we werent going to do anything. We went out to eat at Red Lobster when I got home from work and when we came back home, MIL and FIL were waiting on our front porch. Always so thoughtful! So, we spent a little time talking with them and then spent the rest of the night enjoying each other. It was really nice. However, I cant say that we didnt talk a little about our journey so far, especially within the past 8 months. Hubby is okay with this. I dont think that I overdue it, which is good.

On another note, Im ready for the weekend. Nothing special planned. Just ready to be able to sit and relax and enjoy my weekend. Hubby has been on vacation all this week, so he is doing things around the house during the day (when it's not raining...) and then we will be able to again enjoy each other this weekend.

By the way, my female parts have been messing with my mind even when they dont have to. My body is so completely screwed up right now, I dont think it understands what it's doing. I had stopped AF last Thursday and was totally clear on Friday and Saturday. Then, out of the blue, cramping Sunday morning (while still camping) and a nice wonderful day of AF again. I was crampy for the next couple of days too having to take some Ibuprofen to ease the pain. Talked to the Dr in Monday's appointment and he said not to worry that my body is probably just trying to readjust again (back on BCP if you hadnt read a recent post). So, unless I have a bad result from the pap come back, Im not going to worry, but has anyone else had this before? Just curious. Especially since this is the first time its ever happened to me. Well, off to dreamland, where my world is full of sunshine and babies...haha....not quite.

And Life Goes On....One day at a time...

So this weekend was nice. It was relaxing in that I didnt think too much about everything else that has been going on. I was able to enjoy myself away from the constant reality of my Infertility. Until those people with all the damn kids right across from us showed up...lol. Im just kidding, but it does get a little depressing when you see moms walking babies in strollers through the campground. Oh yeah, and I got to hear that someone else is pregnant (a friend of the family) yippy skippy. And my MIL has decided that it would be great if I ended up with quadruplets (yeah, for who??). Lets get a positive first, okay??

I had my annual visit to my Gynocologist today. The minute I walk in, I realize that Im the only one in the waiting room NOT pregnant. Oh what joy that was. And these women werent just like 4 or 5 months pregnant...they were like 8 or 9 months pregnant. Every flipping one of them, swollen ankles and all. Now what kind of torture was that?? And if that isnt bad enough, the dang chimes started playing because a baby had just been born downstairs. So, yeah, Im a bit of a Debbie Downer right now, but I think that I have every reason to be. We are going on 23 months of TTC. Well, can we really count this month since I have to be on BCP? Im doing it anyway! Yeah, 23 months is a really long ass time. Too long. I know there are lots of others who have been trying for much longer, but it's still a really long time.

So on to my annual pap. So, the initial taking of info with the nurse...I had to fill them in on everything I had been through since the last time I was there. Yeah, HSG, Laparoscopy/Hysteroscopy, Endo, shouldnt they have this shit in their records?? Apparantly not. Oh well. So, then I get to talk to my actual doctor. I do like him a lot and he has always made me feel comfortable (if that's possible in this situation). He asked how I was liking Dr. B, and what all have we been doing (again, info that he probably should have known considering their offices are just right down the hall from each other). So we talked. He gave me some good questions that I need to ask next time Im in too. Then he said as he was walking out the door, I really hope to see you again in a couple months for an OB appointment. And I said, yeah, me too and he actually gave me a hug. Which was really very comforting because that means that he really does care what is going on with his patients. And of course, he probably noticed I was on the verge of tears at one point. He actually felt human to me, which is rare with a doctor. So, needless to say, Im really glad that he is the one I get to say is my doctor.

DH and I's anniversary is tomorrow. Whoo hoo! 2 years and counting!! It has been a wonderful 2 years and we have been through a lot together. He is wonderful! He is my best friend and I really dont know what I would do without him. I couldnt have asked for anyone else!!

Alright, Im off to bed now. Sorry I didnt update last night, but I was pretty worn out after the weekend. I think Blaze has slept for 24 hours straight. It's been wonderful!! :)

Camping Trip :)

Im ready for this weekend. Actually, way past ready. Im writing a quick blog even though Im at work right now...lol. Just wanted to give everyone a heads up that I wont be back around until Sunday! Whoo hoo...I am going to enjoy my wonderfully relaxing weekend, so long as it doesnt rain all weekend. So, until Sunday. Everyone have a wonderful 4th of July weekend!!! I know I will!!

We've hit another Bump In the Road

Oh yes. It seems like everything that could go totally opposite of what we wanted is what's happening. This cycle is cancelled before it even started!!! So, I went into the doctor today to become best friends with the wand yet again, and low and behold, my good ol' buddy finds a massively huge cyst on one of my ovaries. Yeah, that baby was like a 35. No freaking wonder I got cramps out the ass right now!!! So, Bon, looks like Im joining you in the waiting game. :) We will make it through damnit!

So Im back on BCP for this cycle so that we can make sure the monster goes away for next cycle. Im telling you it looked like someone inflated a balloon in my ovary...not cool. The nurse was like, okay, rest cycle. And the tears started flowing...go figure huh? So seriously, this sucks.